Marriage, Motherhood and The Bedroom

I was watching The View and they were talking about how allegedly Tori Spelling’s experiencing marital challenges. Reportedly, Tori’s husband made a statement that black-couple-cuddlingthey were having marital problems because they weren’t having frequent sex now that they have four children. One of the ladies on The View stated that they’ve had four children in six years and it was odd that the husband did not think that having many children close in age would affect their sex life. This issue made me think about intimacy after parenthood. Often times it becomes challenging to find the time and energy to come together, but as married couples we must find a way to stay connected and pleasing to one another!

1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (Message Bible) tells us God’s desire for the marriage bed.

2-6 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

My husband and I waited until three years into marriage to have our first child. We enjoyed getting to know one another and adjusting to married life before we added any little ones to the equation. We weren’t sexually active before marriage, therefore we wanted plenty of time to come together and love on one another without the responsibilities of children. Now we have two daughters who will be 3 and 1 this year. While our lives are forever changed for the better now that we are parents, our desire to remain intimate frequently isn’t as easy to accomplish with a baby and toddler running around.

My husband is always ready for the lovin to begin but I am often tired and focused on so many things that it takes me a moment to whined down and get ready. When I allow myself to be present and focus on our love, we always have aN amazing time of passion. For me it’s making the decision to give my husband my all and when I do I’m always glad that I did!! After 5 1/2 years we still got it!!

After speaking to several mommy friends, I’ve discovered that many of them feel the same way. But one thing none of us want to do is make our husband’s feel like we don’t desire them or have time for them. Husbands and wives need to feel adored and desired. No one wants to feel like they always have to beg for attention or that their spouse is often too tired.

With this being said, I developed a short list of ways for wives to communicate their needs to their husbands and ensure that they find ways to come together frequently despite the hustle and bustle of life and parenthood. Check them out and let me know what you think. Before we review the list I wanted to share that wives have high sex drives too and we want to please and be pleased. Husbands and wives both have a part to play in meeting each others needs. Husbands need to make sure they aren’t too busy or too tired for their wives emotionally and physically as well.

1. Communicate your need for rest, affection, sex, help around the house and with the kids etc. Often times as women, once we feel understood, appreciated and supported, we’re better able to relax and feel more comfortable in the bedroom.

2. Consider scheduling your lovin to ensure that you get it in. I know it may sound boring, but it maybe helpful if you and your husband are both busy with a lot on your plate. You want to make time for one another so that too many days or weeks don’t go by before you come together again. Sometimes for women, when we know tonight is the night, we can get mentally and emotionally prepared throughout the day. We can save energy and think sexy thoughts so that we’re geared up and ready when the time comes. Try it and see if it works for you.

3. Nap time is a great time. Times when you and your husband are both home when the children are sleeping, try to take advantage of the quiet house and sneak away to enjoy one another. It’s very helpful to try to get your smaller children on the same nap and night time schedule so that you’re able to get rest, have some me time and we time! Of course this is easier said then done, but with consistency and patience, it will work out with time. Sometimes you’ll have to send the children to their rooms and put on a movie. After everyone’s safe and secure, you two go in your room, lock the door and focus on pleasing one another.

4. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with your extremely long to do list, talk to your husband about helping you in the areas of his choice. Example: Honey I’d love to be more available to you sexually, but by the time the children are in bed I’m so tired that all I want to do is pass out. Do you think you’re able to help me by taking a few things off my list during the week to give me some relief? You could pick a few things from the following list and it would be very helpful to me: cook a meal or two a week, help with the dishes, laundry, the kids bath time or homework. Continue to explain that if you two work together as a team and get things done, you will have more time available to focus on pleasing him and being pleased yourself.

5. Learn to turn off your “mommy mind” and relax. Yes there are bills that need to be paid, dishes and laundry that need to be washed and children that need bathes. This will ALWAYS be the case. The job of a wife and mother is NEVER done and that’s ok. We have to have peace knowing that everything won’t be perfect. Sometimes my husband seeks me out for lovin and I feel frustrated inside thinking “doesn’t he know how much work there is to be done,” or “he knows I’m tired,” but when I really think about it, what do those things have to do with us coming together? When we have needs of any kind, we are to try our best to fulfill those needs for one another without excuses and attitudes. My husband shows me affection and tries to help me relax. I desire him but sometimes sex is not on my mind so I say a silent prayer and I ask God to help me clear my mind and to give me energy. We must do whatever we need to in order to rock his world and allow him to rock ours! Our husband’s should never be last on our list; they need us and we need them. Sex is good and pleasing in God’s sight! So talk to your husband, figure out what works best for you two and GO GET IT ON!! LOL