8 Tips To Protect Your Marriage From An Emotional Affair

About.com defines emotional affair as: An emotional affair is a secret relationship that involves intimate sharings with some one other than a spouse. If a person is no longer confiding thoughts and feelings with his/her spouse, the individual is either in an emotional affair or ready for one.
 
 
I wanted to write about emotional affairs, a topic that is not often discussed. There are many married people who would never consider having a physical affair but they find themselves in an emotional affair with a coworker, neighbor or church member etc. Focus On The Family (http://focusonthefamily.com) has an awesome article on their website about emotional affairs. I found the article to be very helpful and truthful. I wanted to share it with my husband and my single and married readers. It’s important for all of us to be prayed up, wise and set boundaries with the opposite sex to set our relationships and marriages up for success.  If you’re wondering whether your current “friendship” is going down an inappropriate road, see the checklist below. For tips on how to protect your marriage from an emotional affair, review the 8 tips.  To read the article in full, please see the link to the website. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/affairs_and_adultery/emotional_affairs.aspx
 
10 questions to ask yourself about your “friendship” with an opposite sex friend.

1. Do your conversations with your friends include things that should be kept between you and your spouse?

2. Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?

3. Have you found yourself withdrawing from your spouse emotionally or physically?

4. Do you look for excuses to see or talk to your friend?

5. Do you share thoughts, feelings or problems with your friend instead of your spouse?

6. Are you convinced that your friend understands you better than your spouse?

7. Is there flirting or sexual tension between you and your friend?

8. Do you look for “legal” ways to touch your friend (brush lint off his jacket, help her with her coat)?

9. Do you find yourself paying attention to how you look before you see your friend?

10. Is there any secrecy about your relationship (how much time you spend together, what you do together, what you talk about)

Protect Your Marriage

No marriage is affair proof. We are all at risk of losing our focus and being swept into an emotional affair. But you can do several things to safeguard your marriage:

1. Stay honest with yourself and with your spouse. If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it quickly to yourself and to your spouse. Honest is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into an affair.

2. Avoid magazines, movies and other forms of entertainment that can increase your tolerance of affairs.

3. Try to see your relationship from your spouses perspective. What would your spouse be comfortable with? How would he or sh feel about what you are doing?

4. Do not flirt. Most affairs begin with what’s considered “innocent flirting,” but there’s no such thing! Flirting is not a part of friendship.

5. Keep your marriage as your No. 1 priority. Make sure you are working to meet your spouse’s most important needs.  If you’re not sure what those are, ask.

6. Grow together spiritually. Pray with each other and for each other.

7. Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. For instance, you and your spouse may decided that either of you will be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even for business lunches or late nights at work.

8. Surround yourself with happily married couples who don’t believe in fooling around.

I’m happy to say that my husband and I talked about many of the tips on this list before we got married and we work hard to implement these tips now. We aren’t perfect and our marriage is still new, only three years, but we are trying our best to affair proof our marriage. We believe that marriage is forever, therefore we know that honesty is a must. If your marriage needs support, I encourage you to seek a marriage counselor and learn how to start trusting and communicating with one another again.

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5 Months Pregnant & Daydreaming about Life, Love & Sex AFTER Baby

Being pregnant and able to carry a child is beautiful and honorable. My pregnancy continues to go smoothly and in a few days I will be 20 weeks, half way there! Time is moving fast but we are excited and getting prepared. As the days goes by and my belly grows, I continue picturing life as a mother. I imagine several feeds and diaper changes a day, less sleep and having to stay in the house for a few weeks until the baby and I are safe to go out. Also I imagine life without frequent sex with my hubby, less hanging out on late dates and less quiet moments in the house. In no way am I complaining, I am just being realistic about the things in life that will be different. I did not say no sleep, no sex (after the 6 weeks :-), no dates etc, I just said less. We planned this pregnancy and we were overjoyed when God granted us our request. Now its time to prepare for a baby not only physically and financially but mentally and emotionally.

The day I go into labor and deliver our healthy child (we haven’t found out the sex yet) life will never be the same. As I think about it though, life already will never be the same. I think about the baby always, when I get dressed, how I sleep and what I eat.  Here are a few adjustments that I have already had to make gladly for our little bundle of joy:

1. Frequent trips to the restroom.

2. Having to eat small meals every few hours or I will get a headache

3. The way I sleep at night and how much sleep I need.

4. Getting hormone headaches and not being able to take meds often.

5. Watching what I eat and basically changing my diet. No sushi, soft cheeses, hardly any coffee or pop, hardly any seafood or lunch meat, the list goes on about the food but I won’t bore you.

Last night at Word of Faith Southfield, we had a special service split. The men received a message just for them in the chapel and the women received a service just for them in the sanctuary. Our first lady, Min Deborah Butler, opened the floor for question and answer. One of the discussions was really helpful to me and the new season that I am approaching.

The question was from a woman who was newly married and had two young children. She was inquiring about how she could fit more sex into her marriage with two little ones running around all the time. Min Deborah gave her three helpful tips 1) get the children on a schedule so they get used to going to bed at a certain time every night. Train them to understand parents and children time and just parents time. Put them to bed and then you two go in your room, lock the door and get it on quietly. 2) Sex doesn’t only have to take place at night, have sex in the morning before they wake up or other alternate times of the day. 3) Find another couple with young children that you TRUST and take turns watching each other’s children so both couples can have some alone time together.

I found these suggestions helpful because sex is a big part of marriage and by the time the baby comes we will have been married for 3 years. That means 3 years of enjoying each other whenever we wanted (hey were all adults here! lol) As the baby gets older (2-3 months) and we start to adjust to parenthood, we will need to start going out on dates and caring for one another’s needs, just like we do the baby’s needs. Life is busy right now with work, church, family, friends, house work, cooking, taking care of each other etc; now with God’s grace and mercy, we will add a healthy happy little one to the mix. We serve an awesome and faithful God who will give us wisdom, mercy, grace and patience and we have a great support system full of family and friends. I am curious about what life will be like but I am excited, hopeful and confident that we will learn, grow and do just fine!

If you enjoyed this blog post, I encourage you to subscribe to receive emails regarding future post. The subscribe button is located at the top left corner of the blog. Once you enter your email and hit “sign me up,” you will have to open your email and confirm the subscription. Thank you in advance for your support. Also please email the blog link to other ladies https://joannawillis.wordpress.com

No Wedding No Womb Part 2: Clarity and What We Can Do To Help

Yesterday’s post on the No Wedding No Womb Campaign received a lot of hits. A few ladies posted some insightful thoughts on the campaign as well as what they thought about the message that was being promoted. I admit that I am new to the NWNW movement and can not profess to support something that I have not researched in detail. I changed the title of yesterdays post from “Why I support the NWNW Campaign” to “The NWNW Campaign.”

While the founder of NWNW is not coming from a Christian perspective, I still feel that she is promoting positivity in the black community and trying to raise awareness and help people to have standards when it comes to relationships, sex and parenting. I belive that just because an organization is not Christian based does not mean that Christians can’t receive little nuggets from the message the organization is promoting.

The campaign is not preaching abstinence and is not coming from a biblical perspective but at least NWNW is trying to educate and encourage the black community as well as assist in preventing unplanned pregnancy. The org is also promoting two parent homes and that is something that the black community is severely lacking. I was told by one single mother who follows the founder of NWNW on Twitter, that her message is negative and depressing to single mothers. I am not sure if this is true because I have only read a few articles on the NWNW website. What I do know is that we aren’t helping single parents by putting them down or passing judgement on them. It is only by God’s grace that all of us who have had sex outside of marriage, did not conceive children. All children are a blessing and a gift from God, no matter what circumstance brought them into this world.  Passing judgement, tearing people down or trying to scare teens into not having sex will not work as productive long-lasting preventative measures.

I do not believe that every couple who has a child together should get married but if people were selective in who they date and had a standard to require a wedding ring before giving up the goods, more children would be born into committed two parent homes. We as a people need to have self respect, standards with regards to relationships and concentrate more on our futures and purpose in life than we do our outward appearance, material possessions and whose hooking up with who. AIDS and STDs are real and they affect the black community more than any other population. Sex isn’t worth dying for. It is best to not have sex before marriage  (read 1 Cor 6:18-20) but if you can not wait, you MUST use protection.

 There are many different components that factor into when and why people start having sex and if those issues aren’t addressed, young people will continue to be sexually active, have children outside of marriage and possibly won’t be able to receive the No Wedding No Womb message.

  • What sexual messages teens are exposed to in their home, through the media and while their out with their friends (viewing pornography) will determine how they see themselves and how they value sex.
  • Many young people are surrounded by friends, family and others in their communities that aren’t married and have multiple children. Viewing this can make young people feel like having sex and babies outside of marriage is normal.
  • When young people have been abused sexually, physically or verbally, they can start to look for love in all the wrong places and find themselves pregnant or getting someone pregnant. They weren’t trying to have a baby, but in the midst of being sexually active, a baby was made.

The question becomes, are campaigns like NWNW affective in reaching these young people who have been exposed to so much and may have unhealthy views on sex, pregnancy, parenthood and marriage? The campaign maybe affective for some and not for others. 

Each of us can do the following to promote healthy holy living: single people can spread the news to others that is ok to be single and you can be healthy, happy and content in your singlehood. Single parents can continue to give their children their all and be dedicated examples. Single parents can admit that life with children and no partner is difficult and not ideal, and teach those around them how not to end up being single parents. Those that are married can promote stable, healthy, long lasting godly marriage because many people in our society never get to see that. Everyday each of us are walking billboards. Ask yourself, what are you promoting? Pray for those around you, witness to your family and friends, let them know that God loves them and wants whats best for them. Share your testimony of how God brought you out of difficult situations and made you whole again. This is my purpose in life, to spread the good news of Christ through sharing my testimony and lifestyle with others.

Christian Brothas, Where Are You? Hola If U Hear Me

The majority of churches, Christian events and single bible studies all over the world are packed with women. I firmly believe that there are fine saved men in the world, who love God, are living holy and handling their business, the question is WHERE ARE THEY?http://churchformen.com/allmen.php Lists the following facts about men and church: 

• The typical U.S. Congregation draws an adult crowd that’s 61% female, 39% male. This gender gap shows up in all age categories.

• On any given Sunday there are 13 million more adult women than men in America’s churches.
• Midweek activities often draw 70 to 80 percent female participants.

• The majority of church employees are women (except for ordained clergy, who are overwhelmingly male).

• More than 90 percent of American men believe in God, and five out of six call themselves Christians. But only two out of six attend church on a given Sunday. The average man accepts the reality of Jesus Christ, but fails to see any value in going to church.

My husband and met at our church 7 years ago. Our church is very large and therefore it has a large single population. If our group was 30 deep on a particular night, only 10 of the 30 would be males. As a single woman, it was frustrating to always go to Christian parties, concerts, bible studies and always have the girls out number the guys AND have it continue to be the same handful of guys that consistently hung out. My husband was bold enough to develop a friendship with me and pray about pursuing me in God’s timing. When he felt the time was right, he asked me out stating “I want to pursue marriage with you.” We had a courtship, engagement and then marriage. The thing is, many Christian guys drag their feet when it comes to dating and marriage. They don’t ask girls out and many of them appear to be comfortable being single, but that’s another blog for another day.

Now that we’ve been married for over 2 years, the same problem still remains for my single girlfriends who are living for God, successful in their careers and haven’t been chosen yet. Even though more women go to church then men, I know there are Christian men in my city who do not come to Christian events or even seek out friendships from other males or females at their church. Why is this? Where are the men at? Why don’t they get involved at their church or reach out to others for Christian fellowship? My group of male and female friends do all kinds of fun stuff together, bowling, house parties, concerts, movies, dinner, ballroom/hustle parties etc. We have good clean fun and if other men are living for God, they should be desiring and seeking out the same thing. It’s important for believers to fellowship with other believers and do life together. I’m not saying that Christians should cut themselves off from the world and look down on those that don’t believe but as a Christian, my friends are Christians.

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (The Message)

Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way: “I’ll live in them, move into them; I’ll be their God and they’ll be my people. So leave the corruption and compromise; leave it for good,” says God. “Don’t link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I’ll be a Father to you; you’ll be sons and daughters to me.” The Word of the Master, God.

To my brothers in the Lord

If you are active at your church please continue to do so and invite other men to attend and get involved too. If you see a new guy at your church, take time to get to know him and make sure he feels welcome so that he will come back. If you are a man who goes to church but leaves right after service, doesn’t get involved, volunteer or fellowship with other believers, ask yourself why and pray about changing. Living this Christian life alone is hard but when you have others around you who love God, are living for Him and growing in Him, your relationship with God will become stronger. Coming to church and getting involved will bless your life and who knows, you may find a wife!!

To my sisters in the Lord

Sisters continue to be patient. God has not forgotten you. Don’t believe the lie that there are no good men out there. Majority of my married friends found their husband at their church. Worldly men can be very aggressive and Christian men, in their attempt to be gentlemen, can sometimes move a little slow. A man who moves slower than usual but is honest and seeking God every step of the way is much better than a man who is only out for one thing. When a new guy comes to church or a Christian event, PLEASE don’t bombard him like a piece of meat. We don’t want to intimate the new male faces and cause them to not come back. Let’s continue to learn how to treat each other like brothers and sisters in Christ. If a friendship develops into a relationship then fine, but don’t force things to happen because you’re tired of waiting. God knows your desires, He knows just want you need and when you need it. Keep trusting in Him.

Married Christians Should Have The Best Sex

Proverbs 5:18-19 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Yesterday at our married bible study at Word of Faith Southfield, we we’re reminded about how important sex/intimacy and emotional connection are in a marriage relationship. Pastor Andre Butler and Min Tiffany Butler reminded us through the word of God that GOD invented sex and sex is GOOD in God’s sight!! As Christians, we know that we are supposed to be loving, patient, giving, serving, selfless and make our mates our top priority (after God). If we truly love our mates like we love ourselves, then we would try our best to treat them good all the time. If you are married, your spouse and you are one. The bible commands us to love, respect, honor and come together in the marriage bed together often. Read 1 Cor 13, it’s known as the love chapter.

The radio today plays sexually explicit songs and majority of the music videos have turned into 3 minute soft porn flix. The world thinks they invented sex. They write and sing songs about pleasing woman after woman or man after man but we know that meaningless casual sex is hurtful and dangerous, not something to be proud of. I don’t want the world to be more bold than I on the topic of sex. I know that I am experiencing awesome love making with my husband on a regular and God is pleased with that. It’s time out for Christians being so shy, reserved and nonchalant about married sex. It’s a gift from God!

If you are married you should be having sex a few times a week at least. If you and your husband are both busy with work, ministry and the kids, then you literally need to schedule sex/date nights and go at it. Make each other and coming together a priority. Single people should not have more sex than married people. The bible speaks of married couples coming together often so that we are not tempted. I am NOT going to let days go by without me encouraging, communicating, emotionally connecting and pleasing my husband sexually. All of these things are very important and I don’t want another woman to come along and tell him how great he is and how fine he looks NO that is my job and it is his job to encourage, talk to and please me emotionally and sexually.

We must learn what our spouses needs are and then work hard everyday to meet them. When your marriage is happy, your marriage bed is happy! Some of what I shared today was points from yesterday’s married bible study on the 5 sexual needs of a husband and a wife. There was many more points so I would encourage you to go to the website and purchase the DVD, CD or MP3 http://www.woficc.com

1 Cor 7:1-5, 33-34 NIV  1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

Sins of The Mother

In Feb of 2010, Life Time aired a movie titled Sins of The Mother. Here’s a summary of the movie: Graduate student Shay Hunter (Beharie) reaches a crossroad in her life when she finds herself broke, burned out and unable to cope with the stress of school. With nowhere else to go, she embarks on a journey home to Tacoma, Washington, to face her abusive, alcoholic, estranged mother, Nona (Scott). When she returns home, Shay finds Nona living life as a recovered alcoholic, with a new daughter and completely transformed. Thrown by her mother’s new path, Shay must now accept Nona’s changes and influences, including her sponsor Lois (Rogers) — all forcing Shay to move past her pent-up anger and awaken her own relationships.

Read more: SINS OF THE MOTHER – Lifetime Movie Starring Jill Scott | Daemon’s TV http://www.daemonstv.com/2010/02/21/sins-of-the-mother-lifetime-movie-starring-jill-scott/#ixzz0xRD3XIdw

I thought the movie was deep because even though the mother had gotten clean, was going to church and being a good mother to her younger daughter, her older daughter still struggled with the abuse and neglect that she suffered at the hands of her mother from the past. The young lady had to find peace and forgive her mother so that she could have a happy life and healthy relationships. If you haven’t seen the movie, I suggest you check it out.

As a social worker/counselor, everyday I see or hear about cases where parents made bad decisions that had grave effects on their children. If a mother chooses the wrong man to date and allows him to have access to her children, the children could end up being molested or abused, this happens everyday. If parents don’t ensure that their children go to school everyday AND teach them at home, the children will not flourish educationally and may grow up to be illiterate.

People need to understand the purpose of becoming a mother. It is not: to collect money from the State, to keep a man from leaving, to have children to boss around and to wait on your hand and foot and it is not to have someone who will love you and never leave you. I believe women should plan to become mothers after they are in healthy stable marriages. I belive that the purpose of being a parent is to raise up men and women for the kingdom of God, to cultivate children and teach them how to be intelligent, confident, productive, kind, compassionate, giving citizens.

When people abuse their authority as a mother and mistreat children or expose them to things that are harmful to them, the children in turn grow up to be angry, struggle with feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and more. As parents we can’t afford to live our lives like we are single and without kids. When we made the decision to become parents, we gave up our right to stay out all night, do what we want and only care for ourselves. We must seek help if we have unresolved issues that cause us to not be the parents that we have been called to be. We must seek mentors and spiritual guidance from our leaders if we feel that we don’t have a good enough understanding about how to parent appropriately. Our children need us to be alert, aware, protecting them, teaching them, loving, encouraging and supporting them. When we sin it affects them. When we mess up, we must apologize to our kids and God and ask God to help us get it right the next time.

As the movie Sins of The Mother showed, even when the mother/parent gets themselves stable and cleaned up, the children don’t miraclously forget the pain of the past. As parents we must live good lives and be examples today so that our children’s tomorrow can be bright.

As a woman embarking on motherhood, I have come to understand that the things that I do, say, eat, meditate on, all affect my baby. If I engage in strenuous physical activities, always find myself arguing with someone, eating horribly and meditating on worry filled thoughts, I would be causing harm to my unborn baby. It’s my job as a mommy to be, to stay calm and healthy so that my baby can grow strong on the inside of me. I have a choice, to nurture or harm the life inside of me.

Prayer for Mothers

Dear Lord, thank you for all of the mothers and mothers to be. Thank you for blessing us with children. Lord help us to be the best mothers that we can be. Guide us and give us wisdom so that we live lives that bring you glory and so that can become blessing to our children. Help us to be patient and keep our tempers. Give us insight on how to handle our children when they are misbehaving. For the single mothers, send helpers and mentors their way to help them with their children and to show them how to be better women and mothers. For the mothers that are married, Lord help us to parent as a team with our husbands. Help us to allow our husbands to be the head of the house and support them in the decisions that they make. Lord forgive us for the sins of the past. Help us to forgive ourselves and to be the best women, wives and mothers that we can be. Thank you for the grace needed to be awesome moms. In Jesus name, AMEN!

How To Love Your Wife God’s Way

It’s Marriage Monday!! I wanted to post two articles that I found helpful on marriage. Since my blog is for women, I often write post about how wives are to love and submit to their husbands. I found a great biblical article about how husbands are supposed to love their wives and I wanted to share it. Please pass today’s post on to the men in your lives whether their single or married. The bible has clear instructions regarding marriage and the way husbands and wives are to treat one another.

  • Step 1

    Recognize God Made The Rules
    Gen 2:21-24
    21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;….
    23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
    24 ….. and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
    KJV

    Husbands, you better recognize!!! God regulates the relationship with your wife. You must answer to God, not your wife for your conduct.

  • Step 2

    Recognize Who’s In Charge
    God is “Large and “N” charge”. He has always demanded that husbands love their wives. Note the scriptures below:
    Eph 5:25
    25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; KJV
    Eph 5:28-29
    28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: KJV

  • Step 3

    Recognize The Benefits and Blessings
    One of the ideas behind God’s demand is the stability of the family. God requires that husbands provide loving care for their wives just as they provide nourishing care for their own bodies. This type of care stimulates the proper nourishment necessary for a healthy relationship. Because, under God’s arrangement, the man is the head of the family, if the level of care starts at the “head”, it has a greater chance of filtering its way throughout the remainder of the family.

    Husbands have to understand that loving their wives involves pleasing God. Any husband that has his attitude set on serving God and seeing God’s face in peace will treat his wife just like he treats himself. This is not an option; nor is it dependent on “how” your wife treats you. All God-fearing husbands must understand that God means what he says.

    Know this, “A God-fearing” woman will not have problem submitting to a “God-fearing” man. God knew what he was doing.

  • Step 4

    Recognize the Difference
    The world offers many attitudes, opinions, and beliefs about this subject. Men sometimes they get caught up in the idea of controlling, dominating, thus having the world’s version of a MAN! However, only God’s Word provides the instructions for husbands that lead to a proper attitude. Once you give your life to God, it is necessary for you to begin to abide by His teachings. You have been purchased by God for his use. The world does not offer a good standard to follow.

  • Step 5

    Recognize Your Role
    Husbands are commanded to “cleave to their wives”. God requires that husbands provide and protect his wife. In 1 Peter, the bible says,

    1 Peter 3:7, Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them (wives) according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel , and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. KJV

  • Step 6

    Recognize, it’s time to Get Started
    By the way, this is not an exhaustive study of God’s will for husbands, but it is meant to be the beginning a “grass roots” life-altering change for the remainder of your life. Watch your family advance the quality of their lives as you enhance the quality of your life.

  • Step 7

    In Conclusion
    According to His Word…
    Heaven bound Husbands Obey God

  • Read more: How to Love Your Wife “God’s Way” | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5287398_love-wife-gods-way.html#ixzz0wi7QeLD5