Marriage, Motherhood and The Bedroom

I was watching The View and they were talking about how allegedly Tori Spelling’s experiencing marital challenges. Reportedly, Tori’s husband made a statement that black-couple-cuddlingthey were having marital problems because they weren’t having frequent sex now that they have four children. One of the ladies on The View stated that they’ve had four children in six years and it was odd that the husband did not think that having many children close in age would affect their sex life. This issue made me think about intimacy after parenthood. Often times it becomes challenging to find the time and energy to come together, but as married couples we must find a way to stay connected and pleasing to one another!

1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (Message Bible) tells us God’s desire for the marriage bed.

2-6 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

My husband and I waited until three years into marriage to have our first child. We enjoyed getting to know one another and adjusting to married life before we added any little ones to the equation. We weren’t sexually active before marriage, therefore we wanted plenty of time to come together and love on one another without the responsibilities of children. Now we have two daughters who will be 3 and 1 this year. While our lives are forever changed for the better now that we are parents, our desire to remain intimate frequently isn’t as easy to accomplish with a baby and toddler running around.

My husband is always ready for the lovin to begin but I am often tired and focused on so many things that it takes me a moment to whined down and get ready. When I allow myself to be present and focus on our love, we always have aN amazing time of passion. For me it’s making the decision to give my husband my all and when I do I’m always glad that I did!! After 5 1/2 years we still got it!!

After speaking to several mommy friends, I’ve discovered that many of them feel the same way. But one thing none of us want to do is make our husband’s feel like we don’t desire them or have time for them. Husbands and wives need to feel adored and desired. No one wants to feel like they always have to beg for attention or that their spouse is often too tired.

With this being said, I developed a short list of ways for wives to communicate their needs to their husbands and ensure that they find ways to come together frequently despite the hustle and bustle of life and parenthood. Check them out and let me know what you think. Before we review the list I wanted to share that wives have high sex drives too and we want to please and be pleased. Husbands and wives both have a part to play in meeting each others needs. Husbands need to make sure they aren’t too busy or too tired for their wives emotionally and physically as well.

1. Communicate your need for rest, affection, sex, help around the house and with the kids etc. Often times as women, once we feel understood, appreciated and supported, we’re better able to relax and feel more comfortable in the bedroom.

2. Consider scheduling your lovin to ensure that you get it in. I know it may sound boring, but it maybe helpful if you and your husband are both busy with a lot on your plate. You want to make time for one another so that too many days or weeks don’t go by before you come together again. Sometimes for women, when we know tonight is the night, we can get mentally and emotionally prepared throughout the day. We can save energy and think sexy thoughts so that we’re geared up and ready when the time comes. Try it and see if it works for you.

3. Nap time is a great time. Times when you and your husband are both home when the children are sleeping, try to take advantage of the quiet house and sneak away to enjoy one another. It’s very helpful to try to get your smaller children on the same nap and night time schedule so that you’re able to get rest, have some me time and we time! Of course this is easier said then done, but with consistency and patience, it will work out with time. Sometimes you’ll have to send the children to their rooms and put on a movie. After everyone’s safe and secure, you two go in your room, lock the door and focus on pleasing one another.

4. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with your extremely long to do list, talk to your husband about helping you in the areas of his choice. Example: Honey I’d love to be more available to you sexually, but by the time the children are in bed I’m so tired that all I want to do is pass out. Do you think you’re able to help me by taking a few things off my list during the week to give me some relief? You could pick a few things from the following list and it would be very helpful to me: cook a meal or two a week, help with the dishes, laundry, the kids bath time or homework. Continue to explain that if you two work together as a team and get things done, you will have more time available to focus on pleasing him and being pleased yourself.

5. Learn to turn off your “mommy mind” and relax. Yes there are bills that need to be paid, dishes and laundry that need to be washed and children that need bathes. This will ALWAYS be the case. The job of a wife and mother is NEVER done and that’s ok. We have to have peace knowing that everything won’t be perfect. Sometimes my husband seeks me out for lovin and I feel frustrated inside thinking “doesn’t he know how much work there is to be done,” or “he knows I’m tired,” but when I really think about it, what do those things have to do with us coming together? When we have needs of any kind, we are to try our best to fulfill those needs for one another without excuses and attitudes. My husband shows me affection and tries to help me relax. I desire him but sometimes sex is not on my mind so I say a silent prayer and I ask God to help me clear my mind and to give me energy. We must do whatever we need to in order to rock his world and allow him to rock ours! Our husband’s should never be last on our list; they need us and we need them. Sex is good and pleasing in God’s sight! So talk to your husband, figure out what works best for you two and GO GET IT ON!! LOL

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To Mrs. Willis With Love

mom

My mother in love went home to be with the Lord this past May. She was an amazing woman and it’s honestly still hard to believe that she’s no longer with us but I know she’s partying with the angels. She was an awesome cook, baker and decorator. If they threw parties in Heaven, I know she’d hook Jesus up with the most beautiful spread made with all the fixings. My MIL was full of many talents! When I thought about starting to write in my blog again, several topics and ideas came to mind. I started thinking about everything that’s happened over the past seven months and my MIL came to mind. I dedicate this post to you, Margaret Lee Willis, forever in my heart.

Dear Mrs. Willis,

I sit here tonight thinking of you. I smile at the thought of your smile. I can picture you cooking and decorating the house for the countless parties we hosted. I see you sitting on the couch singing to our daughter Elyssa and finding pure joy in every minute that you got to spend with her. You took your role as a mother and a grandmother very seriously and I’ve always admired and respected that about you.

Though it’s easy to allow myself to be sad that your no longer here, I choose to rejoice instead. I rejoice because you’re no longer in pain. I rejoice because you’re rejoicing with the angels and spending time with our Savior. I rejoice because you raised an amazing man who is the best husband and father and for that I am forever grateful. I rejoice because the Lord will give us the grace to carry on your legacy.

I wanted to say thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me how to throw a fabulous party! From Rebecca’s Sweet 16, to countless birthday parties and even 3rd Sunday Family Dinners.Thank you for throwing us the biggest and best engagement party. Thank you for making my Tea Party Baby Shower so elegant and unique. Thank you for being so excited when Elyssa was born and for being there to help whenever we called. Thank you for being a woman of faith, a true Proverbs 31 Woman. You were a blessing to me and so many others and I thank God for the time that he blessed us with you. Because I know Jesus, I will see you again and until that day, I’ll just say, see you later.

With Love
Joanna

Learning To Toss out the Romanic Myths and Seek The Truth

Toss out the Romanic Myths and Seek The Truth

Your soulmate is the person who mends your broken heart by simply giving you theirs ~ author unknown.

I saw this quote on a FB friend’s page and I thought it would be interesting to write a post about it. While the quote and pic are good intentioned and seemingly romantic, I think the message is actually dangerous. No one can heal us but God. It helps to have positive loving people around us, but they can’t heal us.

3 Reasons Why God is the Answer to Your Pain

1. 1 John 3:16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

There isn’t a love greater than the love that Christ has for us. He died for our sins and rose on the third day, so that we can be healed and set free. We love Christ because He first loved us. Often times we get caught up in what looks like romance and happiness BUT if it doesn’t please Christ, it isn’t his will for us. God heals, he saves, he lives to make us whole again. No one can love us unconditionally like Christ.

2. Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

The only one who can heal our bodies, emotions and make our life better is God. We have to be careful not to try to make our significant others our savior. No man or woman can heal our hearts or take away our pain. Have you ever seen a woman date a good man (he’s faithful, a gentleman, honest, open and drama free) and she still treats him like he’s one of the dogs that she’s dated in the past. That’s because no matter how much that man loved on her, he couldn’t take away the pain of her past. God loves us so much, that no matter what wrong we’ve done or that’s been done to us, He is waiting, ready and willing to love on us, restore us and make us whole again. Restoration comes when we submit to Gods will and focus on pleasing him, NOT man.

3. Matthew 9:22 Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

It’s important for us to have faith in God, knowing that He alone is the answer to all of our problems. When we put our faith in people, at some point we find ourselves frustrated and disappointed because man fails us but God never fails. When we submit to the Lord, putting all of our issues on the altar, He is always faithful to meet us right where we’re at and start the process of making us new again. Some healing is instant and others healing is a process. As long as we keep our eyes on the cross, we know that our break through is on the way.

Yo Mr. Right, Where Are U? 4 Benefits To Getting Married After 30

The picture attached to today’s post states: When God knows your ready for the responsibility of commitment, HE will reveal the right person under the right circumstances. I firmly believe that God knows what we need and when we need it. Most people that I know desire to be married one day and sometimes the pressures of life cause people to start feeling anxious. When anxiety sets in, we tend to make the wrong choices, and marriage isn’t a decision that anyone wants to jump into. I found a helpful article about why getting married after 30 has many benefits. Please review the post and let me know what you think. Have any other tips to add?

Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge, coauthors of Last One Down the Aisle Wins, report “statistics show that if you wait and marry closer to 30, your chances of having a healthy, long-lasting relationship more than double.”

Rather than spend your twenties hunting for the perfect mate, Fox and Liversidge recommend focusing your energies towards having the kinds of experiences that will help you fully develop into the person who will be completely ready to find The One in your 30’s. Here are a few tips that they shared in their article. You can read the article the full article at http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12160/

Fox and Liversidge list 3 reasons why women tend to rush into marriage. What do you think about this list?

  1. Because all of their friends are getting married
  2. Because their biological clock starts ticking
  3. They desire the financial stability that comes along with marriage

Benefits to getting married after 30

1. The statistics clearly show that marrying someone when you’re too young puts increases the risk of that marriage ending in divorce. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, if you wait until after the age of 25 to get married, your chances of staying married more than double! The old “50 percent of marriages end in divorce” statistic is cut in half if you just wait a little while longer to take the plunge.

2. When it comes to marriage, two halves definitely do not make a whole. Taking the time to develop into your best, most complete individual self before you marry allows you to bring vital ingredients to the table; you are more confident, you know who you are (and more importantly, who you’re not), you have a better idea of what you need from a potential husband and what it means to be a good wife. You have control of your finances and aren’t overly needy or volatile. You’ve achieved a healthy separation from your family and won’t end up feeling resentful for the adventures or passions you wish you would’ve pursued during your younger, single years. In short, you are able to come into the marriage as an equal partner, because you’re a grown-up.

3. Money is a huge, hot-button issue for women in addition to being one of the top three reasons people get divorced. People sometimes think that getting a handle on your finances means learning how to budget or finally starting that 401(k). But the truth is that — especially for women — money is an issue that is fraught with emotions. Your single years are the perfect time to develop a good personal relationship with money before it has the chance to become a destructive force in your marriage. When women let their feelings about money rule their actions, they increase the risk of making a poor decision when choosing who to marry. If you really believe that you need a man to take care of you, then you’ll be more likely to settle for the first guy who has the ability to wipe your debt slate clean and offer you financial stability.

4. Taking the time to develop a healthy body image before you settle down is crucial for a happy marriage and, particularly, for guaranteeing you’ll have a happy, healthy sex life. Of course, most women struggle to some extent with body image and body dissatisfaction, but if a woman doesn’t manage to get to a place of acceptance with her imperfect body before she marries, it can have devastating effects on her relationship with her husband. In fact, 67% of the men we surveyed reported that their wives’ negative body image caused serious issues in the marriage. Sex-related problems in the marriage are also amongst the top three reasons for divorce.

Why Good Lovin Body Rockin Knocking Boots Aint Worth Dying For

In 1993 H-Town released a hit record called “Knockin Da Boots.” I was 12 years old and I thought the group was so cute and the song was so cool. Of course my parents did not allow me to listen to secular music, esp something as vulgar as that song, so I snuck when they weren’t around. As a child I didn’t understand the lyrics, let alone the seriousness of being sexually active before marriage and the physical, emotional and spiritual death that occurs from it.

Sex sales and the message and pressures to have sex and be sexual is everywhere (music, movies, fasion etc). What’s not everywhere is the truth, which is that sex outside of marriage is dangerous, lonely and drama filled. People fight for their right to be promiscuous saying it’s their body and they can do what they want with it. STDs and AIDs are at an all time high and as well as children being born to single parents. Sex outside of marriage isn’t safe. It pulls you further and further away from God and brings upon physical and emotional problems that most don’t think about until everything around them is falling apart.

I was not a virgin when I got married so I can tell you first hand about the drama, shame, loneliness, angry and confusing feelings that come alone with sex outside of marriage. I rededicated my life to Christ in 2002 and a few years later met my husband at our church and got married. You can only imagine my amazement at discovering how beautiful, passionate, safe, giving and SMOKIN HOT love-making was inside of my covenant trusting relationship with my husband. I didn’t have to worry about him getting me pregnant or giving me a disease. Because we both love Christ and have him at the center, we don’t allow any person, porn, sex toys etc inside our bed to defile what God has blessed us with. We love each other and aim to please each other. Want to experience awesome safe sex? The solution is simple, live holy, trust God to send you a mate to that believes your worth the wait, get married and then enjoy all the free, safe, faithful love making that you want. Watch God honor your marriage and love-making when you do things the right way. 

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (MSG)

 16-20There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

Read these 10 STD facts below and ask yourself, if sex outside of marriage worth all of that?

  • By 2010, at least 35 million children will have lost one or both parents to AIDS.ed
  • A girl is four times more likely to contract an STI/STD than she is to become pregnant.d
  • Unprotected anal intercourse with a partner whose status for STIs/STDs is unknown is the highest-risk sexual practice.k
  • Each year there are approximately 333 million new cases of STDs in the world, according to the CDC.j
  • Over 25 million people globally have died of AIDS since 1981.e
  • The estimated number of people living in the U.S. with a viral STD/STI is over 65 million. One in two sexually active people will contact an STD/STI before the age of 25.j
  • While some STIs/STDs—such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis—are curable, if left untreated, they can cause death, infertility, chronic pain, serious birth defects, and miscarriages.d
  • Many sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, can be transmitted through oral sex.i
  • The rate of chlamydia among African-American men is more than 11 times that of white men. Additionally, African-Americans remain the group most heavily affected by gonorrhea. In 2004, the gonorrhea rate among blacks was 19 times the rate among whites.d
  • Although African-Americans make up only 13% of the U.S. population, they accounted for one half of the estimated new HIV/AIDS diagnoses in 2004.e
 
Prayer for sexual purity
 
Lord help us to live holy before you. Help us not to give into the lies of the world. Help us to focus on your promises for our future. Lord help us to glorify you in our mind, body and emotions. Send us believers to do life together so that we do not have to walk this Christian journey alone. Help the single saints to be content in their time of singlehood. Help them to stay focused on their goals and keep their eyes on you. Help the married saints to commit their marriages to you and not allow anything to taint the family that you’ve blessed them with. Lord thank you for your mercy and for forgiving us of our past sins and helping us to live right before you daily. Give us the desire and strength needed to leave any relationships or entertainment alone that  causes us to fall into sin. Thank you Lord for always being faithful and loving towards us. We trust you with our lives Lord. In Jesus name amen!

5 Reasons To Marry A God Loving, Bible Mediating, Tongue Talking Man Of God

Hello World! Its been a while since I’ve published a blog post. I’ve thought of writing often but there has been a lot going on in my life and I had to take a short break but I’M BACK and I’m truly missed my blog. Readers please forgive me! I pray all of you are well!!

Today is my four year anniversary and we are very grateful to God for continuing to bless us and teach us how to love each other and stay married for life! Don’t believe the lies of the world, people are getting married and staying happily married; not just roommates who don’t have talk, laugh or have sex. I know plenty of godly couples who continue to make their marriage a priority and work to keep things holy happy and hot!! The key word is WORK!! It’s rewarding fun work but work just the same. If you’re reading this and your marriage is in a rough season, be encouraged. God is bigger than your problems and He’s ready and willing to help you two through this season! Just surrender to Him, seek godly counsel and don’t give up. Keep talking, praying and pulling on other mature stable marriages around you for guidance.

Ok single ladies, I want to present you with a short list to remind you of WHY you want to make sure you marry a man after God’s heart and not some Jay Z, Trey Songz wanna be or any other Bozo at your church or on your job.

Please note that I’m NOT talking about the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Not talking about the man who goes to church, wears a suit and pretends to know Jesus to get the ladies to trust him and sleep with him. I’m NOT talking about the men on the deacon board who cheat on their wives and preach to people on Sunday mornin. I’m talking about men who have a true relationship with God and work hard to live holy godly LIFESTYLES on a daily basis. No one is perfect but there are men out here who are seeking God and trying their best to live for him. These are the type of men that I want my single friends to wait on because man are they worth the wait!! I know my husband was!!

5 Reasons To Marry A God Loving, Bible Mediating, Tongue Talking Man Of God

1. When the storms of life come he will be able to speak the word of God over you, your children, your marriage etc. He will know how to go to the cross and seek the Lord. He will know that on his own strength he can not fix the issues but God can and will.

2. He will know how to be the leader of the home and seek the Holy Spirit regarding the family. He will lead, protect, guide and listen to his wife. He won’t try to dominate and abuse her but rather talk and pray with her and then take the issues to the Holy Spirit so that the proper direction can be revealed to him. He is not a punk or a coward. He is the protector and leader of the home and he takes his role seriously!!

3. He will enjoy ONLY his wife sexually as the bible has commanded him too. He won’t entertain hard or soft porn. He will guard his eyes and ears diligently to make sure that he does not fall into temptation and allow the devil to have any place in his heart or marriage bed. He will not be close friends with men who aren’t trying to walk the same holy lifestyle as himself because he knows that he can not afford to fail in this area. His wife is all that he needs and he aims to please her inside and outside the bedroom.

4. He will seek God regarding the family’s finances and won’t just spend what he wants to spend when he wants to spend it. He will work hard to have a budget plan and seek God for wisdom regarding how to bring the family increase and not decrease. He will show integrity and diligence regarding the finances and will communicate with his wife concerning the money.

5. He won’t leave when the marriage has rough patches. He will stay and fight for his family. He won’t be a dead beat dad. He will chase the devil away instead of allowing him to chase him away. He will swallow his pride and seek godly counsel if needed. He will seek guidance from other brother’s in the Lord regarding the family struggles. He will ask the Father for grace, peace, long suffering, and joy in his marriage/family and continue to press until he sees the victory in his home once again. He walks around with joy because he’s read the back of the book and knows that he wins. The devil has been defeated and he can trust the Lord to fight his battles!

Prayer for My Single Sistas

Lord thank you for my single sistas. Thank you for keeping them during this season. Thank you for their desires to be holy and happy while they walk out whatever it is you have for them right now. Thank you for peace and joy Lord God. Thank you for the hope they have in you because of the promises in your word regarding marriage and their future. Help them to throw way the lies of the world regarding dating, men, marriage and sex. Help them to seek you even when they feel tired of waiting. Renew their spirits Lord. Show them that your love for them can’t ever compare to what a man could give anyway because you created them and died for them. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness today and always, AMEN!!

Top 5 Reasons To ONLY Date R.M.O.G

A RMOG is a real man of God. A RMOG doesn’t just know about God, he loves the Lord and has dedicated his life to serving him. He lives a godly lifestyle and surrounds himself with other men and women who are living for the Lord also. He walks in integrity whether people are watching him or not. A RMOG doesn’t just quote scriptures and religious phrases, he reads and mediates on the word of God and believes it. A RMOG doesn’t care what others think or say about him because he’s confident in his relationship with the Lord. A RMOG isn’t perfect but he aims to be like Christ. A RMOG is truly worth the wait; whether your 15, 25, 35, 45 etc, God knows your desire to be married one day and He’s preparing an awesome RMOG for you. Keep trusting in God knowing that he knows what best for you and when. PS- These type of men do exist, I have one, my father and father in law are both RMOG and I know several other women who have MARRIED RMOG also.

Top 5 Reasons to ONLY Date R.M.OG

1. A RMOG lives his life to please the Lord and he knows that treating you with honor, love and respect will please the Lord. A RMOG won’t call you out your name, lie and cheat on you. If you thought he was a RMOG and he’s doing these things, he’s a wolf and sheep’s clothing so get up girl and RUN!!!

2. A RMOG isn’t gonna hit it and quit it. He lives a holy lifestyle before the Lord and therefore will not attempt to sleep with you before marriage. A RMOG will aim to be holy in his courtship with you and understand that he has no right to your body until after marriage. If he wants it he’ll put a ring on it.

3. A RMOG isn’t gonna just date you until something better comes along then drop you like a hot potato. He’s not into wasting your time, he values you as his sister in the Lord and will be honest about his intentions towards you UPFRONT!! If you’ve been dating a few months and your totally confused about his committment towards you then he’s wasting your time. Dating shouldn’t be a guessing game.

4.  A RMOG is a gentle leader. He knows who he is in Christ and he wants to be the head of his future household. He isn’t a wanna be whose always following folks and going along with whatever you say. He listens to the Holy Ghost then walks out his instructions in love.

5. ONLY A RMOG is marriage material because he knows God intimately and he desires to be the best RMOG that God has called him to be. He’s seeking God about his purpose and choosing the Lord over money, sex, career, cars etc. A RMOG witnesses to others and tells them about the Lord. A RMOG is continually working on his finances and getting his affairs in order for his future family and is continuously being led by the Holy Spirit.