He May Be Hot But He’s A NOT! 3 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore

According to a recent Yale study, 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women. There’s also a gap in numbers. The 2000 U.S. Census counted 1.8 million more African-American women than men.

In a day and age where so many saved, successful, beautiful women are single, many women find themselves falling into the temptation of compromising their beliefs to get a man. The messages that the world tell us are loud and all around us but those messages only lead to hurt, pain, loneliness, disappointment and most importantly death! Romans 6:23 (KJV)For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. In Christ we have all that we need. He knows our needs and desires. He knows what’s best for us and He has a plan for our lives! Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

So now that you know God has a future for you and there’s no need to fear or compromise, let me give you 5 signs to look out for regarding dating. The guys that step to you may be fine, BUT are they helping you to be better or bringing you down? Are they bringing you closer to Christ or further away? If he is doing any of these things you need to pray and consider ending the relationship. 

1. He wants to keep the relationship a secret. If he doesn’t want to proclaim to the world that you are his girl and he’s proud, happy, excited and blessed to be with you, there’s a problem. Don’t be anyone’s secret girl. I call secret girls “side girls” because your probably not the only one he’s messin with, why else would he want to keep your relationship a secret? Come on sis, your better than that!

2. He’s always commenting on your body and making sexual advances towards you. Whether he’s overly complimenting or criticizing you about your body, either one isn’t good. No one wants to feel like their man cares more about their outer appearance then what’s on the inside. He needs to love you for you and not once you’ve lost or gained 15 pounds. If he’s always touching you and being sexually aggressive, that’s a sign that he needs to get the steppin! Being holy and sexually pure is sometimes a daily challenge and you don’t need some knucklehead causing you to fall into temptation all for him to bounce after he gets what he wants anyway!! 

3. He’s fine but doesn’t have a relationship with Christ or he just got saved but wants you to “help him find Jesus.” If he doesn’t know God than he won’t know how to treat, love or respect you. God is love and by getting to know Him intimately (more than for 2 hours a week at Sunday service) we learn how to love ourselves and our brothers and sister’s in Christ. The fact that he’s fine with a good job, car and house but doesn’t know God isn’t good enough. He can be fine and end up helping to send you to Hell because you fell away from the things of the Lord.

The same is true for the newly saved man. He just gave his life to Christ, so he’s still learning about living holy and being the man God created him. Leave him alone, stop distracting him and let him grow in God. If it’s God’s will, He will send him back across your path at a later time. 

Do you sometimes find yourself feeling lonely or anxious about when your man of God will come along? When it feels like all of your friends are getting married and you’re wondering if God’s forgotten about you, read Matt 6:32-34 and be encouraged! God hasn’t left you or forgotten you. He knows what’s best and He’s preparing you for great things!

Matthew 6:32-34 The Message

30-33“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Stop Having Yo New Man Pay For The Sins of Yo Past Man

The new man can’t afford to pay the debt of the one who came up short, nor should he. If he does, then he’ll come up short. Release the ex of that debt, forgive him and wish him well for real. Start fresh with this new man, as if your heart had never been broken. That’s what grown women do. Bitterness doesn’t look good on nobody~ Kim Blakes, my FB friend.

My response to her status: Amen! We need to give our hurt, pain and issues from past broken relationships to God and allow HIM to heal us. We can’t truly be what a new love needs us to be if we aren’t complete and whole in Christ. Trust me, I’ve been there. Thank God for His mercy, grace, restoration and love.

There are 2 points that I’d like to zero in on regarding this topic.

1. Forgiveness is key when trying to get over a past relationship that went bad. It’s impossible to harbor anger and bitterness when you have truly forgiven someone and given your hurt over to God. I used to hate my 2 ex’s with a passion. When I rededicated my life to Christ, I knew I had to lay my pain, anger and unforgiveness on the altar if my sins were to be forgiven, if I desired to be whole, at peace and if I wanted to be a happy woman and wife one day. Forgiveness seems unfair because you were the one who was wronged but forgiveness is for you so that you can be free and delivered from the bondage of the past. When I learned to forgive those three gentlemen my attitude and life changed for the better. Shortly after that I met my husband and we began a beautiful friendship that eventually lead to love.

2. It’s very important to not jump into a new relationship before you allow yourself to get healing and closure from your past relationship. When a relationship ends negatively, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth and a pain in your heart. Sometimes you may find yourself depressed, confused and defeated. You need to go into a quiet room and tell the Lord what happened, how you feel and what you need from Him. The bible tells us to cast our burdens unto Jesus for He cares for us. God already knows what’s going on but He wants you to come to Him willingly with an open heart so that He can heal, love and comfort you. There is no love like the love of our Heavenly Father and there’s no hurt that He can’t heal. The bible says that He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.

When you take the mess from your past relationship into your new one, your asking for your new relationship to fail. It’s not fair to the new man whose intentions towards you maybe pure but you treat him as if you know he’s going to dog you out and leave you hanging like the last joker. Seek godly counsel and get yourself together before jumping into a premature relationship that could end just as badly as the last.

Bonus tip: When we allow ourselves to jump from one bad relationship to the next, we make it harder for Mr. Right when he comes along. 1. Because we’re so distrusting that we can’t see him for who he really is 2. We’re too busy being angry about the last joker that we LET dog us out that we can’t see the good man standing right in front of our face. 3. We’ve ALLOWED ourselves to deal with so many bad guys that we lose hope that good guys even exist. There are good men out there but you have to ask yourself, are you ready to properly love one? Do yourself a favor, get restored from the past, embrace your time of singleness and learn to love yourself. If you don’t love you, you can’t possibly love someone else.

Christian Brothas, Where Are You? Hola If U Hear Me

The majority of churches, Christian events and single bible studies all over the world are packed with women. I firmly believe that there are fine saved men in the world, who love God, are living holy and handling their business, the question is WHERE ARE THEY?http://churchformen.com/allmen.php Lists the following facts about men and church: 

• The typical U.S. Congregation draws an adult crowd that’s 61% female, 39% male. This gender gap shows up in all age categories.

• On any given Sunday there are 13 million more adult women than men in America’s churches.
• Midweek activities often draw 70 to 80 percent female participants.

• The majority of church employees are women (except for ordained clergy, who are overwhelmingly male).

• More than 90 percent of American men believe in God, and five out of six call themselves Christians. But only two out of six attend church on a given Sunday. The average man accepts the reality of Jesus Christ, but fails to see any value in going to church.

My husband and met at our church 7 years ago. Our church is very large and therefore it has a large single population. If our group was 30 deep on a particular night, only 10 of the 30 would be males. As a single woman, it was frustrating to always go to Christian parties, concerts, bible studies and always have the girls out number the guys AND have it continue to be the same handful of guys that consistently hung out. My husband was bold enough to develop a friendship with me and pray about pursuing me in God’s timing. When he felt the time was right, he asked me out stating “I want to pursue marriage with you.” We had a courtship, engagement and then marriage. The thing is, many Christian guys drag their feet when it comes to dating and marriage. They don’t ask girls out and many of them appear to be comfortable being single, but that’s another blog for another day.

Now that we’ve been married for over 2 years, the same problem still remains for my single girlfriends who are living for God, successful in their careers and haven’t been chosen yet. Even though more women go to church then men, I know there are Christian men in my city who do not come to Christian events or even seek out friendships from other males or females at their church. Why is this? Where are the men at? Why don’t they get involved at their church or reach out to others for Christian fellowship? My group of male and female friends do all kinds of fun stuff together, bowling, house parties, concerts, movies, dinner, ballroom/hustle parties etc. We have good clean fun and if other men are living for God, they should be desiring and seeking out the same thing. It’s important for believers to fellowship with other believers and do life together. I’m not saying that Christians should cut themselves off from the world and look down on those that don’t believe but as a Christian, my friends are Christians.

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (The Message)

Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way: “I’ll live in them, move into them; I’ll be their God and they’ll be my people. So leave the corruption and compromise; leave it for good,” says God. “Don’t link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I’ll be a Father to you; you’ll be sons and daughters to me.” The Word of the Master, God.

To my brothers in the Lord

If you are active at your church please continue to do so and invite other men to attend and get involved too. If you see a new guy at your church, take time to get to know him and make sure he feels welcome so that he will come back. If you are a man who goes to church but leaves right after service, doesn’t get involved, volunteer or fellowship with other believers, ask yourself why and pray about changing. Living this Christian life alone is hard but when you have others around you who love God, are living for Him and growing in Him, your relationship with God will become stronger. Coming to church and getting involved will bless your life and who knows, you may find a wife!!

To my sisters in the Lord

Sisters continue to be patient. God has not forgotten you. Don’t believe the lie that there are no good men out there. Majority of my married friends found their husband at their church. Worldly men can be very aggressive and Christian men, in their attempt to be gentlemen, can sometimes move a little slow. A man who moves slower than usual but is honest and seeking God every step of the way is much better than a man who is only out for one thing. When a new guy comes to church or a Christian event, PLEASE don’t bombard him like a piece of meat. We don’t want to intimate the new male faces and cause them to not come back. Let’s continue to learn how to treat each other like brothers and sisters in Christ. If a friendship develops into a relationship then fine, but don’t force things to happen because you’re tired of waiting. God knows your desires, He knows just want you need and when you need it. Keep trusting in Him.

Chocolate or Vanilla? Black Women and Interracial Dating

Have you ever dated outside of your race? Growing up, were you discouraged or encouraged to date men outside of your race? With the so called “shortage” of black men, do you feel pressure to look for dating opportunities outside of your race?

My thoughts on interracial dating is simple, I don’t care about the color of a man’s skin, as long as he has a true and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. At the end of the day, a man’s desire to love God, hear his voice, follow his leadership and love his girlfriend/wife with all of his heart is what is important. I do believe that many black women are afraid to date outside of their race for fear of what others may think of them. We have to break free from people pleasing and learn to follow God’s leading and leave everyone else’s desires for us behind. There is a whole world out there that we have yet to explore and many people we have yet to meet. Let’s not be closed minded or put God in a box.

Yes the stats prove that many of our black men are in jail or on the “down low” and many don’t have the college education that black women do BUT that does not mean that God can’t produce for you the man you desire. Psalm 37:4 tells us that God will grant us the desires of our hearts. If your desire is an educated black man who loves God, than God can do it. Don’t let the news or that statics tell you what you can and can’t have. As believers, we should always believe the report of the Lord. The news will tell you that you can’t have a baby past a certain age, you won’t be able to find a good man, in this economy you won’t be able to find a good job, etc. As Christian’s we don’t receive any of that! What God has for us is for us. Love comes in all packages. Don’t go looking for any type of guy, let him find you. When a good godly man comes along, no matter what race, take it slow and listen to the Holy Spirit on the inside of you.

SIlive.com posted an interesting article about black women being urged to date outside of their race. Below are some exerts from that article.

Single black women with college degrees outnumber single black men with college degrees almost 3 to 1 in major urban areas, according to a 2008 population survey by the U.S. Census Bureau. Given those numbers, any economist would advise them to start looking elsewhere.

“Consider your options,” she says. Expand your horizons. Stop listening to your girlfriends. Forget about the brothers calling you a sellout. Get over those old images of slavery and stop blaming every white man for sins perpetrated by others. ”

“In short,” Folan says, “some black women choose to demonize all white men rather than look objectively at the facts of our modern times, which are these: Some men, whatever their race, are bad for us. And the converse is true as well. Some men, whatever their race, are good for us.”

“I just want to keep encouraging all black women to celebrate themselves,” Folan says, “We are beautiful, resilient, strong, capable. We deserve men who will love us, no matter the skin color.”

Instead of listening to others’ admonitions about white men, Folan says, “maybe we can look at the content of his character.” And instead of assuming white men don’t find black women attractive, consider, for a moment, that some do.


Question: What are your thoughts on the article? What do you think about interracial dating and the so called shortage of black men?

11 Reasons To Date A Church-Going Guy

While surfing the net I came across this article about why dating church guys is a good idea.  I thought the list was interesting and pretty accurate. We all know that Christian men aren’t perfect and there are some wolf’s in church clothing BUT I do agree that god fearing, sold out for Christ men are the best to date and marry. 2 Cor 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? Dating is fun but for Christians it should also be an interview process. Get to know the man before you fall head over heels in love with him! Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I dated a “saved” guy in high school and he cheated on me repeatedly and broke my heart. He was my first love and we met at our church. We were young and silly but I was really affected by that situation. It took me a long time to seriously get over him but once I broke free from the emotional attachment and roller coaster, I began to allow God to heal, restore and make me new again. I have forgiven him and wish him well.

Eddie was the first and only man whom I dated that was sold out for Christ and dedicated to serving/ living his life for Him. I didn’t know how to interact with Eddie at first or what to think really. I had never had a relationship with a man who was attracted to me but wasn’t trying to charm me, sleep with me or use me for something. As we got to know each other and observe each other at church, I came to see that Eddie was a man after God’s own heart. He served at church faithful, his language and behavior lined up with the word of God and he treated me, my friends and the other ladies at church like sisters and not pieces of meat. He complimented me, flirted with me sometimes, we laughed and joked together but we had boundaries in our friendship. Boundaries are VERY important in Christian friendship and courtship!! Eddie became my friend, then a year later my boyfriend, then my fiance’, then my husband and then my lover. Thank you Lord for my husband! He was definitely worth the wait!!

Question: Ladies let me know what you think about this list below. What do you agree or disagree with? What has been your experience with dating Christian men? It’s okay to be honest, just be respectful please.

1. He uses clean language. Granted, he’ll probably let slip a “frick” or a “darn,” but by golly, it’s a lot cuter than a slew of f-bombs.

2. More than likely, he adheres to the verse, “Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,” which means that he doesn’t smoke, do drugs or get drunk.

3. Unless he sleeps through every service, he has a high attention span. Bring up a couple of points from an hour-long sermon and see if you’re not a little bit impressed when he can discuss them in depth. Bonus points if he can connect the current sermon to the previous week’s topic.

4. He’s consistent. Getting up early on Sunday mornings to hear a sermon and sing for a couple of hours takes a good amount of dedication. Of course, we’re referring to the guys who attend service more often than on Christmas and Easter.

5. He’s a romantic. If he believes in God, there’s a good chance he also believes in destiny. He takes dating and women so seriously that he might even pray before asking you out. If he prays often in his own time, he has probably prayed for the future love of his life—which could be you—before you even met. If adorably old-fashioned guys are your thing, look no further than the next pew over. Faith And Spirituality In Relationships

6. He dresses sensibly. Since obsessing about one’s outer appearance is frowned upon in the church, its culture encourages guys to look down-to-earth, if not classy. That means no Ed Hardy and no flashy, “I’m a baller”-style outfits. Expect dark jeans, a polo shirt, and a canvas bag.

7. He probably doesn’t sleep around. No need to worry as much about diseases, excess baggage, or being compared to some past conquest. You might just be the best he’s ever had. Sure, he might be a borderline virgin, if not abstinent, but if you play your cards right, all of that pent-up energy will count for something. That being said….

8. He puts sex on a pedestal. If he’s ever read the Song of Solomon—arguably the Good Book’s most erotic piece of scripture—he probably honors an elusively spiritual aspect of sex often absent in casual encounters.

9. Your parents will love him. Here’s a guy that says grace, has marriage on the brain, and was taught to respect his elders, act like a well-mannered gentleman and get along with everybody. More bonus points if he can sing “Be Thou My Vision” with Grandma.

10. He has his own friends. Ideally, and for the most part, a church will foster a warm social environment. It’s hard not to befriend people you see every week. If a guy attends church potlucks, Sunday afternoon sports or Bible studies, he’ll have buddies to hang out with when you’re out with the girls.

11. He lends a helping hand. Very rarely will a church not have outreach activities, volunteer opportunities, or even just a need for Sunday School assistants or a set-up crew. A guy who not only belongs to, but contributes to the good of his community demonstrates a willingness to serve others before himself.


What A Man, What A Mighty Good Man

What makes a man a good man? Is it how much money he makes? How successful he is? The fact that he is committed and faithful? That he loves God and his family? Because he’s responsible? Trustworthy? Hard working? Drives an expensive car? Buys his woman expensive gifts?

*What’s a good man to you?*

Between 18-20 I was caught up in the world’s way of thinking and if you had asked me back then what were characteristics of a good man, I would have answered the following. A good man is:

  1. A man how has plenty of money
  2. A man whose very good looking
  3. A man who takes care of his responsibilities
  4. A man that drives a nice car
  5. A man who has a job
  6. A man whose confident in himself and his abilities
  7. A man whose successful
  8. A man whose admired by others
  9. A man who owns nice things and buys his lady nice things
  10. A man who is faithful

Now that I am older, wiser and stronger spiritually, mentally and emotionally, my list is much different. Now I think a good man is:

  1. A man who loves God with all his heart
  2. A man who has integrity
  3. A man who is dedicated and diligently working to fulfil his purpose
  4. A man who works hard to please God 
  5. A man who works hard to take care of his family
  6. A man who tries his best to resist temptation and avoid stumbling blocks.
  7. A man whose a good steward over his money
  8. A man whose faithful, honest, trustworthy and a good communicator
  9. A man who lines his lifestyle up with the word of God
  10. A man who loves to pray and praise/worship God

Dr. Myles Munroe’s “Understanding the Purpose and Power of Men. In the last chapter of the book, he spoke of 10 keys to becoming a real man. I thought this list was amazing and very true. I included his scripture references next to each key point.

  1. A  real man desires and loves God and his presence (Luke 4:3)
  2. A real man seeks to restore God’s image in himself
  3. A real man aspires to work and to develop his gifts and talents (John 4:34, 5:17, 9:4 & 17:4)
  4. A real man honors his marriage and family above personal interest. (John 2:1-11)
  5. A real man endeavors to learn, live and teach God’s word and principles. (Gen 2:15-17, Matt 4:4 & Phil 2:14-16)
  6. A real man demonstrates faith and inspires it in others (Luke 1:37)
  7. A real man is committed to cultivating others to be the best they can be.
  8. A real man loves compassion, mercy and justice (Matt 9:36, John 10:11-15, Rom 5:8, Mic 6:8  &  2 Cor 5:20)
  9. A real man is faithful and loyal to the kingdom or God and his mission, the church (Matt 6:33 &  Luke 10:1-24)
  10. A real man keeps himself in God (Jude 24)

Message to singles

Even though I was raised by both my parents and had seen on a daily basis what a real man was (because my father was and still is an awesome example) When I went off to college, I became a follower and I adopted the world’s views on what made a man a good man. I didn’t have any real standards, just superficial views of men and relationships. I thought a good man was someone who wanted to hangout with me a lot, spend money on me, had a nice ride and wanted to show me off to his friends. While it’s nothing wrong with those things, if that is all a relationship is about, then the relationship is pretty shallow. That was my immature way of thinking and that’s why the few relationships were unsuccessful.

When I rededicated my life and allowed God to do heart, brain and eye surgery on me, I started to think, see and desire a different type of man. I started to desire a husband who lined up with the word of God and the keys that Dr. Munroe mentioned. I no longer was satisfied with superficial, deceptive, lustful and useless relationships. I wanted a husband who was like my father, after God’s own heart and who was dedicated to pleasing God and caring for, providing for and protecting his family.

Ladies, while you patiently wait on God to send you your mate, make sure you have high standards and have adopted God’s views on what makes a man good. We have to put off the world’s ways of thinking and adapt a holy and Christ like mind set. It wasn’t until I let go of my exboyfriend completely and cut all ties with other friends and activities that were grieving the Holy Ghost, that I could begin the healing and preparation process to get prepared to meet my mate.

For those ladies who have their list and know what their looking for in their husband, make sure you are open to what God has for you, even if the package doesn’t look exactly how you thought it would. Many married couples say their spouses were not originally their type, meaning their typical physical appearance that they were used to dating. Think about it this way, you can marry a man who has all the perfect physical appearance that you desire but have an empty, lonely and miserable marriage. I’m not saying that the mate that God has for you will be ugly, no not at all, I’m saying that God knows whats best for you, what will blow your socks off, keep you happy and meet your needs. So if a guy approaches you that is not your ideal complexion, body type or hair, don’t write him off at first glance, get to know him, his heart, his relationship with God, his character, and then make the judgement call.

Message to wives

After reviewing the key points that Dr. Munroe gave regarding becoming a real man, think about which key your husband currently is doing well in and which areas you would like him to develop more. Continue to take the areas of needed development to prayer and walk in love and patience towards your husband. Holy Ghost is the only one who can change a man, not us nagging, yelling or lecturing our husbands about why they need to step it up. If your husband is actively working on many of the keys on the list, pray that he continues to walk with God with his whole heart and that he remains strong through the pressure and cares of this world. We are our husbands biggest cheerleaders and prayer warriors. We need them to know that we support them, were praying for them and that we believe in the gifts, talents and abilities that God has placed on the inside of them.

My church often preaches about the Proverbs 31 woman and the Psalm 112 man. Here is the Psalm 112 passage. I encourage single ladies to pray this prayer over their future mate and for the married ladies to insert their husband’s name in the verses and pray the confession over them.

Psalm 112 Man

1[a] Praise the LORD. [b]
       Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
       who finds great delight in his commands.

 2 His children will be mighty in the land;
       the generation of the upright will be blessed.

 3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
       and his righteousness endures forever.

 4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
       for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. [c]

 5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
       who conducts his affairs with justice.

 6 Surely he will never be shaken;
       a righteous man will be remembered forever.

 7 He will have no fear of bad news;
       his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

 8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
       in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

 9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
       his righteousness endures forever;
       his horn [d] will be lifted high in honor.

 10 The wicked man will see and be vexed,
       he will gnash his teeth and waste away;
       the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.