How To Avoid Falling For The Down Low Brotha

While watching Oprah this week, it was revealed that yet another celebrity couples marriage ended because of the husband coming out. Fran Drescher and her husband Peter Marc Jacobson got a divorce after he came out after 21 years of marriage. Years later, the couple is now comfortable with their situation and decided to make a seemingly cute and funny sitcom about a wife, her ex husband and his lover. Yeah, sounds hilarious doesn’t it? NOT unfortunately there have been several celebrity couples over the years who have announced divorce for this very same reason, Terry McMillian being one of them. As we watch talk shows and read articles about more and more husbands mainly, coming out of the closet, we may tend to get jaded and desensitized by the seriousness of the situation. Down low men lead to women getting AIDS and families being destroyed. Now to answer the question, how to know if your man is on the down low.

When I researched ways to tell if your man was on the down low, I found many silly questions for women to go off of. Checkout these sample questions.

1. Does he complement other men

2. Does wear tight pants

3. Does he hang out with his male friends a lot

4. Does he enjoy grooming himself excessively

Those examples are silly because men that hide their true sexuality have been doing it for years and are good at it. Just because a man  does one or two of those things above does not mean that he is gay. I do not believe that women should have to go around like detectives trying to figure out what  men have the “gay signs,” and which ones don’t.

 The answer is simple, all ladies need to do is the following to increased their cases of not getting involved with a down low man:

 1. Pray and seek God BEFORE exclusively dating a man. If you don’t have peace in your mind and heart about a particular guy, don’t force it, just let him go, there are other men out there. Just because a handsome man ask you out does not mean you have to go. Take a moment to check your spirit. Taking time to slow down and pray could possibly save you time and your life.

2. Date for a long enough period of time so that you two really feel like you know each other before getting super serious. Now a days many women just want to hook up with someone and not be lonely. When we as women take that attitude we are cheating ourselves from a special time of courtship and a serious time of dating investigation. Every man who smiles at you and spends a little money on you does not deserve your heart or your panties. Slow down, do plenty of talking/interviewing and less physical contact. Premature intimacy clouds people’s vision and tends to leave them open for drama, hurt and pain.

3. Be wise while dating, pay attention to the signs and listen to the Holy Spirit. Ladies pay attention to the things your man is saying and doing.  Spend time in prayer asking your Heavenly Father if this man and relationship is a blessing or a curse. Don’t ignore warning signs of any kind. Who cares if he is sexy, rich and ready to carry you into the sun set, if he isn’t right for you, it will only be temporary, hurtful and disappointing. Being single isn’t a curse and it’s better to be alone, happy and drama free, then miserable and suspicious while dating. 

 It really angers me to know that so many men are living double lives and their lies, when found out, destroy their families and potentially kill their women. 82% of women in America with AIDS are African American women. This is another HUGE reason why we as women can not afford to not pray, interview, close our legs and be wise when it comes to dating. It doesn’t pay to be promiscuous. There are all types of diseases out there and some can kill you. Ladies have standards, pay attention, don’t be so quick to attach yourself to a man who you don’t stop to see what may be in front of your face. I’m not saying that if you pray long and hard and date a man for 2 years, there’s no chance that he will come out ten years later and say he’s gay. What I am saying is when we follow Christ and ask Him to be our conductor, our chances of falling into the devils traps are much slimmer. With Christ we can’t go wrong. He ALWAYS has our best interest at heart and He will always warn us, the question is, are we listening???

7 Responses to “How To Avoid Falling For The Down Low Brotha”

  1. Porter Says:


    This is an excellent post. The problem is in our society stating that noone is really gay. Thin the Black community there is very little acceptance of someone being gay, which leads to the down low.

    One you have people who want to be accepted and loved for who they are. Two you have people who want to accept you and love you only if you are who they believe your are.

    Also lets not forget there are also this women who are on the Down Low – it is not just a “male issue”.

    As doe STD/HIV and AIDS – this is not a Down Low issue – this is a sexual issue period. Anyone who has sex outside of a monogamous relationship is opening themselves up to to the possibility to these terrible diseases.

    If you are going to have sex then you must protect yourself – It is your responsibility to protect your life – all it takes is once.

    Lastly, Society needs to stop forcing people who are gay to live a double life. Allow them to be who they are. Don’t fool yourself that you can pray the gay away or get therapy to fix it….I can tell you these people are still gay – even if they do not physically act upon it – in most cases they are still acting upon it.

    Save yourself the heart ache and find a straight man.

    Your in Love

    • joannawillis Says:


      Thanks for reading and posting a comment. I do not support the homosexual lifestyle but each person has their own free will to live as they choose.

      Your right, there are many reasons why men would be in the closet but they need to be honest with themselves and their partners to avoid hurt and destroying their families. Its said that a woman may not find out until 20 years and 4 kids later that her husband is gay.

      Yes everyone who plans to have sex outside of marriage should protect themselves against STDs and AIDs. It is also true that African American women are the leading carriers of AIDs. Women need to protect themselves , have standards and be selective over who they date and sleep with. I am a firm believer of waiting till marriage to have sex because that’s what the bible teaches and its safe. Love can wait for sex and relationships shouldn’t be based on sex.

  2. Bethany Says:

    Yes, I saw this episode of Oprah and it Really Reminded me of the person I dated that made me wonder about their sexuality, it’s amazing how they did every last thing on your sample question list. But he kept saying he was attracted to women…..when I saw this episode of Oprah, I think it was an older one of the same topic I knew I had to end the relationship or I Know I would’ve been on the Oprah show myself talking about it! I’ve Always wanted to meet Oprah but not for that reason, Thank God he gave me signals!:)

  3. Jovan Says:

    This is so true. The thing is someone may end up dating an ex homosexual, because some of them do come back to heteralsexcual and they do desire women so someone has to give them a second chance. I just pray there up front with there past life. Another good note. I pray that your notes pick up more and more readers over time 🙂

  4. Danielle Says:

    Great post. You’re right, “gay signs” are silly, and a down low guy will go to any length to hide his private shame (or he would be out in the open w/it). The Holy Spirit will let us know if we are not anxious & we’re listening.

  5. Bethany Says:

    I dated a guy who waited to tell me about his homosexual past….I wasn’t happy with how long he took to tell me, made me wonder if he was hiding anything else, lol. It’s a lot of things I can get over and deal with pertaining to “men” but a homosexual past or criminal background past are things I can’t even get over, I can forgive them for their past if they want to accept the Lord into their lives and change. But to me it’s like “they still did it in the past” and I couldn’t live with a man who was intimate with another man at some point, it would haunt me, lol, the Love of God is Amazing that it would erase a person’s history no matter what.

  6. Bethany Says:

    God Bless the Strong Women who can get over a man’s homosexual past…I heard Pastor Say that for a lot of “perceiver” gifted people they have a hard time getting over a person’s past if it was something they saw as unacceptable. He said his wife is a perceiver, so am I, I totally got him on what he was saying. Forgiving a person of what they did in the past does Not mean you have to continue a relationship/marriage with them.

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