Can Husbands Rape Their Wives? Exploring Martial Rape

“When it is the person you have entrusted your life to who rapes you, it isn’t just physical or sexual assault, it is a betrayal of the very core of your marriage, of your person, of your trust.”

One form of rape that is rarely discussed it marital rape. Just because two people are married it doesn’t mean that they have the right to use, abuse or violate one another. We as wives need to meet our husband’s sexual needs. Husbands need to be sensitive, patient and understanding towards their wife’s feelings, desires and needs also. Sex should never be forced in marriage. Please read this article and share your thoughts.

Also to celebrate Restoration Week for my blog, please click the link below to read a woman’s testimony of how she survived years of spousal rape.

If you have been a victim of spousal rape, please seek help from your pastor, doctor, a social worker or the police. No one has the right to force themselves on you. No means no!

Marital Rape was only made a criminal act in the UK in 1991? Up until then it was considered impossible for a man to rape or sexually assault his wife. To quote: “A husband cannot rape his wife unless the parties are separated or the court has by injunction forbidden him to interfere with his wife or he has given an undertaking in court no to interfere with her.” (The Law Made Simple, The Chaucer Press, 1981)

Rape is rape, regardless of the relationship between the rapist and the victim. It can be a total stranger; someone you recognise by sight, but have never really communicated with; someone you know superficially, a neighbour or a colleague; a friend, a boy-friend or a former boyfriend; a live-in partner, or a former partner; someone you are married to or have been married to in the past.

The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape

Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don’t know, with whom you don’t share any experiences or history. When the assault happens, there can be no doubt as to what is happening: that it is Rape (though even in such situations the victim will often wonder what she has done to precipitate the assault and will blame herself). In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It is – quite apart from a physical and sexual violation – a betrayal of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above all, very confused.

Another problem victims of marital rape face is that such instances are rarely a one-off, but a repeated if not frequent occurrence. This can be a huge issue to the victim, because she will feel as though she has somehow ‘asked for it’ by staying or putting herself in the situation where it can happen again. Also, once it has been tolerated on a number of occasions, she may question her right to then act upon it.

The problem of defining marital rape as Rape

Many women who are victims of marital rape have great difficulty in defining it as such. The traditional idea that it is impossible for a man to rape his wife and that somehow, in taking our marriage vows we have abdicated any say over our own body and sexuality, basically denied ourselves the right to say ‘no’, is still prevalent amongst wives as much as amongst their husbands. A wife being raped will often question her right to refuse intercourse with her husband, and while she may realise that legally it now constitutes rape, there are many reasons which may prevent her from perceiving it in such a light.

We prefer to see it possibly as a communication problem (did I make it clear enough that I did not want intercourse tonight), we may see it as an act for which the man is not fully responsible due to his nature (men have a biological need to have sex and if there is a woman next to them in bed when they are in the mood they just cannot help it), we may see it as a misunderstanding (although I told him I didn’t want to, maybe I gave him the wrong signals somehow), we may have religious issues which question our right to refuse intercourse (I have got to submit myself to him and accept his will above mine as my Lord and Master).

Basically, as wives being raped by our husbands, we look for every reason, every excuse to deny it is Rape because we do not want to accept the alternative: it is Rape, he is hurting and humiliating us with intent, we can no longer trust him, turn to him in comfort, gain reassurance and protection from his company and our home is no longer safe.

To read this article in full and learn more about spousal rape, checkout this link. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Articles/maritalrape.htm

To read a woman’s personal journey of restoration from marital rape, checkout this link http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Personal/raperecovery.htm

Restoration Week: But God Update

In four days, it will be the 10 year victory anniversary of the sexual assault that I survived. For the days leading up to the 9/4/10 celebration of the victory,  I will publish post about God’s restoration power.  Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. The devil thought he had me BUT GOD!!

Regarding the format of the book, originally I was composing a women’s testimony book and collecting testimonies surrounding several different topics. I thought that by collecting several different testimony topics, women all over the world could relate and be blessed. I promoted the books and requested testimony submissions and was blessed to collect 40 testimonies!!

Kim Brookes, author of several books including, He’s Fine But Is He Saved, blessed me to go to The Anointed Pen Seminar earlier this year. At the seminar I met many awesome, anointed, talented and wise authors, including Versandra Kennebrew, author of Thank God For The Shelter.  I signed up for Versandra to be my book coach and the rest is history! Kim and Versandra continued to encourage me to pray about narrowing down the topic of my book to make it organized and geared towards a more target audience. After praying and learning more about book writing and marketing, I have decided to focus my first testimony book on rape, attempted rape, incest and sexual abuse.

The purpose of the book will be to shed the light on the sexual assault epidemic. To educate, encourage and empower women. To let women know that they can and will get through the after effects of rape, incest or sexual abuse. To let women know how God sees them and that He is not to blame but He is there to heal and restore and rebuild. The book will be a Christian resource, self-help, and motivational book. Resources will be provided at the end of the book (websites, hotlines, books, healing ministries)

I want to explore stats, preventative steps and what to do if you or someone you know has been assaulted. I want to explore the importance of seeking counseling, medical and legal help if you have experienced any of the mention situations.

How you can help

Before the resource chapter, I want to include 5-10 short testimonies of women who have experienced, survived and overcome rape, attempted rape, incest or sexual abuse. 

If you are a rape, attempted rape, sexual abuse or incest survivor and would like to have your story in the book (all testimonies will be brief and anonymous) please contact me with regards to further details. I have a few ladies already who are willing to write on these difficult topics. More women than you all care to know have suffered in silence regarding these topics and I say no more!! I want to shine a light on the truth and bring healing and wholeness by introducing people to the ultimate healer and restorer, Jesus Christ!!

If you or someone you know would like to share their short testimony to stump on the devil’s head, give God ALL the glory and encourage other women, I ask that you email me at butgodbook@yahoo.com All testimonies that are selected will be published anonymously to protect the identities of the survivors. The deadline for submissions will be 9/25/10 but please contact me ASAP to let me know that you would like to be apart of the book. Please share this post with other women that may be interested as well.

I have written out my new plan of action and I am praying, writing and meeting with Versandra. She is one of my accountability partners throughout this journey. I will keep you all posted as I go alone. I am sorry for not being able to include all of the testimonies in this first book but I feel that the book will be more organized, focused and affective this way. As the Lord leads, I would like to use the other testimonies for future projects and I would of course seek the permission of the writers before doing anything with their testimonies.

If you enjoyed this blog post, I encourage you to subscribe to receive emails regarding future post. The subscribe button is located at the top left corner of the blog. Once you enter your email and hit “sign me up,” you will have to open your email and confirm the subscription. Thank you in advance for your support. Also please email the blog link to other ladies https://joannawillis.wordpress.com

29th Birthday 29 Reasons To Shout

  

Today is my 29th Birthday and I have so much to be thankful for!! God has been so good to me, without Him, I would be lost but with Him, there has been nothing that I haven’t been able to do!!  Where would I be without His grace and mercy! Lost and looking crazy!! Today I wanted to share 29 reasons that I shout and praise God regarding my life. I pray this list encourages, motivates and stirs you up like it continuously does me!!

29 Reasons To Shout

God has blessed me with:

1. Good health

2. A sharp, peaceful and sound mind

3. An intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. I am NOT ashamed to share the gospel of Christ and let my lifestyle be an example to others.

4. An awesome black man, YES ladies there are great ones out there! My husband loves God, himself, me and our bundle of joy with all that he has in him.

5. I’M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!

6. We were blessed to be able to plan when we wanted to started our family and God granted us our desire!!

7. An education. I was blessed to go to two different private schools and was able to go to college and obtain my Bachelors and Masters degrees.

8. The funds my husband and I needed to purchase our first home right before we got married. We purchased a 3 bedroom condo in Southfield for $36,000. It’s 2,500 square ft with a huge basement!! God is so AWESOME and faithful!!

9. Both sets of our parents are still happily married (30 and 29 years!!). They are all saved, love God and welcome Him to be the center of their marriages. We are so blessed to have the 4 of them in good health and living in the same State as us. We thank God for their love, guidance and support.

10. All 5 of our siblings (Joe/Chasity, Leah, Rachel and Rebecca) are saved, hard-working, loving, kind, hilarious, giving, college students, athletes, volunteers and business men and women, that love the Lord.

11. A healthy, intelligent, funny, giving, happy and well-behaved niece. I love Gabrielle Mackenzie Wood!

12. A career that I love. I am a supervisor at Judson Center in the Family Reunification Program.

13. I am a limited licensed counselor in the State of Michigan.

14. A husband whom is my best friend, the leader of my home, my life companion, lover and future baby’s daddy!

15. An awesome church home where the word is taught straight from the bible. We are taught how to walk in it and trust God for all that we need. Our lives have been forever changed since joining Word of Faith in 01 and 02.  Shout out to ALL of our Word Of Faith family, we love you all!!

16. A healthy and comfortable first 2 months of my pregnancy. We are confessing great things over our baby and my body.

17. I am no longer lost, broken, bond, confused, hurt or deceived by the treats of the enemy! Jesus died on the cross for my sins and because of His blood I am cleansed, healed and free.

18. I love myself. I am happy in my own skin. I know who I am in Christ and who He has made me to be!

19. God has given me the strength, boldness and heart for the people. He has turned my mess into my message and helped me to share my life experiences with those in need. BUT GOD LADIES, BUT GOD!

20. I know my God loves me unconditionally.

21. We have 3 grandmothers and 1 grandfather still living and ALL four of them love the Lord and their families and they continually share their wisdom with us. Eddie’s grandparents have been married for 62 years!!

22. God’s divine protection and the blood of Jesus covers my home, our baby, our bodies and our family and friends daily.

23. God has blessed us to get married during a time that so many other Christian couples were getting married and therefore we have an awesome community of married couples to fellowship and pray with.

24. My hubby and I are blessed to have support from all of our family and friends regarding my pregnancy and our upcoming baby. It’s such a blessing to have people praying for us, encouraging us and being ready and willing to be a blessing to us!

25. I thank God for the gifts and talents that He has given me to write posts for this blog each week and to finish my book project soon. I thank God for my book coach, Versandra Kennebrew and my peer Leslie B! I really enjoy working with these lovely ladies and growing with them.

26. I praise that I am in His will and right where I need and desire to be in my life. God is continually developing and molding me but I am happy to be able to say that I am in His will for my life right now.

27. I praise God for my drama free, honest, happy HOT marriage.

28. I am extremely thankful to God for my true friends. My friends that I’ve had for years, since a little girl all the way to my friends that I just met this year. You know who you are. I love you and I thank God for your love, prayers, guidance, support and friendship! True friends keep you on the right path and make you better. I thank God for you ladies!!

29. I thank God that favor goes before me each and every day and prospers my way!! God is continuously opening doors for me and my family and making ways when it seems like there is no way. I do not have to fear because I know that my way is blessed because I’m following Christ!!

Are You Marriage Material? Review This Pre-Martial Checklist

Do you desire to get married? Review this checklist and find out if you’re ready. If you answer no to 5 or more of these 13 questions you may want to keep preparing yourself for marriage in the future, but not today. We’re all at different stages of life and that’s fine. No one is perfect but when preparing to get married (and stay married for the rest of your life), you want to make sure that you understand what marriage is about and that you’re actually ready.

Eddie and I waited 3 years to get married; 1 year of friendship, 1 year dating and 1 year of engagement. Each person has to seek God about their life and desires and make sure their lining their lives up with God’s will and plan for them. Some people felt that Eddie and I dated for too long but we did not let other people’s opinions make us feel pressured and cause us to step out of God’s will for our lives. Each person and couple is different and there isn’t a blueprint that we must all follow for dating and engagement. Allow God to prepare and guide you in ALL areas of your life! With God, we can NEVER go wrong!

Pre-Martial Checklist

1. Do you have a job? Are you learning to be responsible with your money?

2. Are you selfless? Do you like to share?

3. Do you listen and communicate well?

4. Are you responsible and dependable?

5. Are you working towards cancelling your debt and becoming debt free?

6. Do you have a relationship with God and a prayer life? Are you seeking God about your life and future?

7. Are you a committed, honest and faithful person?

8. Are you able to compromise? Apologize when you’re wrong?

9. Are you a team player? Do you care for the well-being of others?

10. Do you enjoy intimacy and affection? Do you look forward to sex with your future spouse?

11. Are you respectful and easy to get along with?

12. Are you secure in who you are? Do you love yourself?

13. Are you patient and thoughtful?

If you enjoyed this blog post, I encourage you to subscribe to receive emails regarding future post. The subscribe button is located at the top left corner of the blog. Once you enter your email and hit “sign me up,” you will have to open your email and confirm the subscription. Thank you in advance for your support. Also please email the blog link to other ladies https://joannawillis.wordpress.com

5 Signs That Your Not Ready To Get Married

Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: 1. finding the right person and 2. being the right person~ unknown.

Marriage is for life and therefore people need to be ready for it when the day comes. We need to educate ourselves about what marriage truly is, what is means to us and our future spouses and count the cost as to whether we are honestly ready for it. Marriage is not about the wedding day, it’s not about sex or having beautiful children together, it’s about loving, serving, sharing, submitting and walking out the good and bad of life with the same legal partner for life. Marriage is awesome. It’s lots of fun, romance, laughs, good times, great sex etc. Marriage is also frustrating, difficult and challenging at times. Single people please talk to seasoned happily married Christian couples about marriage and find out how they have been blessed to be happy and in love after all these years.

5 Signs That Your Not Ready To Get Married

1. You like to be alone and unaccountable to anyone.

2. The thought of having to share your income and bank accounts with your future spouse makes you feel like your going to be sick.

3. You think submission is a four letter word.

4. Sex is the furthest thing from your list of needs and priorities and  having to meet your future spouses sexual needs frequently sounds frustrating and ridiculous.

5. The thought of having to keep a home (cooking, cleaning, doing laundry) makes you break out in hives.

Of course this list is meant to be some what humourous BUT it’s all true. If you don’t want to cook, clean, submit, get yo sex on often, share finances or your time and space with a mate PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW. It’s ok to stay single, cultivate your career, seek God about your purpose, enjoy hanging with your friends, stack your money and enjoy your life. What’s not okay is having sex outside of marriage and/or dating people for many years that you have no intention of marrying and wasting their time. If your living a holy life and you’re enjoying your singlehood and don’t desire to be married there is nothing wrong with that. But if you feel that your season of dating and eventually marriage is approaching, please get an understanding about marriage and seek God BEFORE saying I DO!

If you enjoyed this blog post, I encourage you to subscribe to receive emails regarding future post. The subscribe button is located at the top left corner of the blog. Once you enter your email and hit “sign me up,” you will have to open your email and confirm the subscription. Thank you in advance for your support. Also please email the blog link to other ladies https://joannawillis.wordpress.com

Sins of The Mother

In Feb of 2010, Life Time aired a movie titled Sins of The Mother. Here’s a summary of the movie: Graduate student Shay Hunter (Beharie) reaches a crossroad in her life when she finds herself broke, burned out and unable to cope with the stress of school. With nowhere else to go, she embarks on a journey home to Tacoma, Washington, to face her abusive, alcoholic, estranged mother, Nona (Scott). When she returns home, Shay finds Nona living life as a recovered alcoholic, with a new daughter and completely transformed. Thrown by her mother’s new path, Shay must now accept Nona’s changes and influences, including her sponsor Lois (Rogers) — all forcing Shay to move past her pent-up anger and awaken her own relationships.

Read more: SINS OF THE MOTHER – Lifetime Movie Starring Jill Scott | Daemon’s TV http://www.daemonstv.com/2010/02/21/sins-of-the-mother-lifetime-movie-starring-jill-scott/#ixzz0xRD3XIdw

I thought the movie was deep because even though the mother had gotten clean, was going to church and being a good mother to her younger daughter, her older daughter still struggled with the abuse and neglect that she suffered at the hands of her mother from the past. The young lady had to find peace and forgive her mother so that she could have a happy life and healthy relationships. If you haven’t seen the movie, I suggest you check it out.

As a social worker/counselor, everyday I see or hear about cases where parents made bad decisions that had grave effects on their children. If a mother chooses the wrong man to date and allows him to have access to her children, the children could end up being molested or abused, this happens everyday. If parents don’t ensure that their children go to school everyday AND teach them at home, the children will not flourish educationally and may grow up to be illiterate.

People need to understand the purpose of becoming a mother. It is not: to collect money from the State, to keep a man from leaving, to have children to boss around and to wait on your hand and foot and it is not to have someone who will love you and never leave you. I believe women should plan to become mothers after they are in healthy stable marriages. I belive that the purpose of being a parent is to raise up men and women for the kingdom of God, to cultivate children and teach them how to be intelligent, confident, productive, kind, compassionate, giving citizens.

When people abuse their authority as a mother and mistreat children or expose them to things that are harmful to them, the children in turn grow up to be angry, struggle with feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and more. As parents we can’t afford to live our lives like we are single and without kids. When we made the decision to become parents, we gave up our right to stay out all night, do what we want and only care for ourselves. We must seek help if we have unresolved issues that cause us to not be the parents that we have been called to be. We must seek mentors and spiritual guidance from our leaders if we feel that we don’t have a good enough understanding about how to parent appropriately. Our children need us to be alert, aware, protecting them, teaching them, loving, encouraging and supporting them. When we sin it affects them. When we mess up, we must apologize to our kids and God and ask God to help us get it right the next time.

As the movie Sins of The Mother showed, even when the mother/parent gets themselves stable and cleaned up, the children don’t miraclously forget the pain of the past. As parents we must live good lives and be examples today so that our children’s tomorrow can be bright.

As a woman embarking on motherhood, I have come to understand that the things that I do, say, eat, meditate on, all affect my baby. If I engage in strenuous physical activities, always find myself arguing with someone, eating horribly and meditating on worry filled thoughts, I would be causing harm to my unborn baby. It’s my job as a mommy to be, to stay calm and healthy so that my baby can grow strong on the inside of me. I have a choice, to nurture or harm the life inside of me.

Prayer for Mothers

Dear Lord, thank you for all of the mothers and mothers to be. Thank you for blessing us with children. Lord help us to be the best mothers that we can be. Guide us and give us wisdom so that we live lives that bring you glory and so that can become blessing to our children. Help us to be patient and keep our tempers. Give us insight on how to handle our children when they are misbehaving. For the single mothers, send helpers and mentors their way to help them with their children and to show them how to be better women and mothers. For the mothers that are married, Lord help us to parent as a team with our husbands. Help us to allow our husbands to be the head of the house and support them in the decisions that they make. Lord forgive us for the sins of the past. Help us to forgive ourselves and to be the best women, wives and mothers that we can be. Thank you for the grace needed to be awesome moms. In Jesus name, AMEN!

24 Interesting Pregnancy Facts

  1. 1. Each year in the United States, there are approximately six million pregnancies. This means that at any one time, about 4% of women in the U.S. are pregnant.a
  2. 2. Only 25% of couples actively trying to conceive will experience pregnancy within the woman’s first cycle. However, 90% of couples will achieve pregnancy within the first 12 months of actively trying.a
  3. 3. Approximately 10% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Many miscarriages often occur before a woman even knows she is pregnant.a
  4. Each year, 1.2 million women in the U.S. choose to end their pregnancies through early termination.a
  5. About 3% of all pregnant women will give birth to twins. This rate is an increase of nearly 60% since the early 1980s. However, 17% of pregnant women over 45 will give birth to twins.b
  6. Nigeria has the highest twinning rate in the world at around 4.5%. Some experts attribute this number to the large consumption of yams in Nigeria.b
  7. Just under 500,000 babies are born each year in the U.S. to teenage mothers.a
  8. After delivery, approximately 13% of U.S. women are diagnosed with post-partum depression.b
  9. The average size of a full-term baby in the U.S. is 8 pounds. This is an increase from an average size of 6 pounds 30 years ago.a
  10. The largest baby ever born weighed in at over 23 pounds but died just 11 hours after his birth in 1879. The largest surviving baby was born in October 2009 in Sumatra, Indonesia and weighed an astounding 19.2 pounds at birth.
  11. Less than 1% of women in the United States choose to deliver their babies at home, while 30% of Dutch women opt for home births.a
  12. Approximately one in three babies in the United States is now delivered by cesarean section. The number of cesarean sections in the U.S. has risen nearly 46% since 1996.a
  13. According to a Time Magazine article published in 1945, the longest pregnancy on record is 375 days (as opposed to the usual 280 days). Amazingly, the delivered baby was only 6 pounds, 15 ounces.f
  14. The highest number of surviving children from a single birth is eight with Californian Nadya Suleman giving birth to octuplets in January 2009. The octuplets were made up of six boys and two girls and celebrated their first birthday on January 26, 2010.d
  15. Fewer than 10% of babies are born on their exact due date, 50% are born within one week of the due date, and 90% are born within two weeks of the date.
  16. Pregnant women at a healthy weight should eat an extra 300 calories per day. This amount is roughly equivalent to a serving of yogurt and half of a bagel.e
  17. While not all pregnant women will crave pickles and ice cream specifically, pregnancy cravings are rooted in the body’s extra need for minerals and comfort-inducing serotonin.e
  18. Despite several rumors to the contrary, microwave ovens do not pose a threat to an unborn fetus.a
  19. During pregnancy, a woman is more likely to experience bleeding gums and nosebleeds due to hormonal changes that increase blood flow to the mouth and nose.e
  20. Milk production and lactation can actually begin as early as the second trimester in some women.e Carrying a baby “high” or “low” is dependent on a woman’s body type and is not a reliable predictor of the baby’s gender.e
  21. Approximately 70% of expectant mothers report experiencing some symptoms of morning sickness during the first trimester of pregnancy.a
  22. Pregnant women usually experience a heightened sense of smell beginning late in the first trimester. Some experts call this the body’s way of protecting a pregnant women from foods that are unsafe for the fetus.e
  23. Many women experience thicker and shinier hair during pregnancy due to hormonal changes and consumption of extra vitamins. New hair volume gained during pregnancy typically begins to fall out after three months post partum.e
  24. While the feet do not actually get longer or wider during pregnancy, most women do gain up to half a shoe size, due to increased fluid volume in the foot.e

Posted November 10, 2008. Updated February 16, 2010

http://facts.randomhistory.com/2008/11/10_pregnancy.html