Rejecting The “Gold Digger” Mentality

A gold digger is a woman who seeks money and expensive gifts from men. Today’s society encourages women to only go after the men with big money. The bigger the car, house and wallet, the better the man. Some women go to great lengths to get a man with the big bucks. Women get plastic surgery to make themselves look like models, they spend money that they don’t have on expensive designer clothes and jewelry so that they can be noticed by the men in expensive circles.

On a smaller scale, women in everyday urban and suburban neighborhoods, are looking for men that will take them out and get they’re hair done, nails did, car note and cell phone paid. Neither the first or second group of women that I mentioned is looking for love, their all looking for the CASH!!

As women we often say that we don’t want to be used for our looks, bodies or money but if were not careful, we will adopt the worlds mentality and treat men that way. Men shouldn’t be treated like money bags as if that’s all their good for. We must treat people how we want to be treated. If you KNOW you have NO interest in a guy, why let him continue to take you out, spend money on dates and buy you gifts? What if the tables were turned and you were in love with him, bragging to your friends ” he may be the one,” only to find out that he was using you for some selfish gain. We must treat others how we want to be treated.

5 Things To Do To Reject The Gold Digger Mentality

1. Know who you are in Christ. When you know who you are in Christ, you will reject the world’s messages that tell you that you have to be a certain body type, hair length, skin color, live in a certain neighborhood and drive a certain car. The bible says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you, He made you just the way you were supposed to be made. You are beautiful in His sight.

2. Stop listening to music and reading books that encourage women to get money and dog out men. There are good men in the world and men are a blessing. We need to adopt positive messages about men. Women want respect and so do men.

3. Know that God is your source. You don’t need any old man to pay your bills and get your hair done. Work hard, pay your tithes, bills, walk according to the bible and trust that God will provide you with all that you need.

4. When deciding whether you want to go out with a guy, pray and seek God. Don’t go off of his appearance only. Yes he should be attractive in your eyes but looks can be deceiving. He may look like he has money but he may not. He may look like he doesn’t have lots of money but he may. We as women should care more about a man’s character, heart, ambitions and integrity more than his wallet.

5. If your current circle of friends encourage you to be a “gold digger” leave them alone and pray that God sends you new friends. Birds of a feather flock together. If your girls are always wanting to get dressed up and go looking for the next big fish, they aren’t the women you want to hang around. You need a man after God’s heart. A man whose honesty, hard working, loving, kind and fine!! When men seek after God and do things His way, the money and success always comes, because their walking according to the word!

Pamper Day For The Single Sista

This post is for all my single, saved, successful, smart, beautiful inside and out, holy, hard working, giving, funny, life loving, creative and independent women! Today I celebrate you!

Being single is a blessing and don’t you forget it! You dont have to answer to anyone but God! You can wear what you want (during the day and night) you don’t share your bank account with anyone. You can cook if you feel like it or not cook if you don’t. You can stay out late and sleep in if you so desire! You are your own woman.  Men are an added bonus to our lives but having one won’t make your life better, your life is great now! You are alive, you are working towards your goals, you have people who love you, you love yourself and most importantly God loves you! I want to encourage you today to schedule a “pamper me day.” You work hard everyday, whether in or outside of the home. As women, we do so much for others and sometimes neglect ourselves. So set your pamper me date and do some of your favorite things. I actually think all women should try to do this once a month!

Start by putting your cell phone on silent! Don’t allow work or people to stress you on your pamper day! Take a walk around the park, go shopping or window shopping just to get out of the house if you don’t have shopping money. You can always just buy something small if you don’t have a lot of money. Buy your favorite smell goods, some make up, a piece of jewelry or a blouse. Have lunch at your favorite restaurant. Get dressed up and go somewhere or dress comfy in your house and lounge around all day. Whatever makes you happy!

If you’re a home body, take a bath, get your favorite carry out dinner and movie. If you like to go out, get dressed up and go out for a night on the town with your girls. It’s all about you. We all lived fast paced lives and sometimes we need to relax with a good book, movie, yummy food and put our feet up. If you want to have a slumber party, invite your girls to come over for laughs and girl talk. If you just want to be quiet and enjoy the peace, send your kids away for the night and enjoy being alone. Call it a self-care mental health day! Love on yourself! Do your toes, a facial, bake brownies, whatever makes you happy! I love keeping a journal, I have on and off since I was a little girl. Maybe you want to take time to write and reflect on your life and your goals. It would be a great time to pray and seek God while the house is quiet.

The point is to have fun and do whatever makes you happy! You are an awesome woman and you deserve a break! Now stop reading this post and go schedule your pamper day!!!!

A Wife’s Guide To Catering To Her Man

Ladies, our husbands work so hard and I know we appreciate them and verbally tell them often but let’s step it up a notch. Let’s all plan an evening where we can devote all of our attention to our husbands. I’m talking about doing it big, so it doesn’t have to be done often, but it will make him feel very special. For those with kids, this will require you getting a babysitter. For the ladies that are pregnant, do what you have the energy and ability to do. A romantic evening does not have to be expensive, so everyone should be able to participate. You may want to get off work early to be able to get home, freshen up, cook and set the mood. Here is a narrative full of ideas. You know your husband best, so do what you think he will like. Ok ladies picture this:

Your hubby comes home from work and you’re already there. The house is clean and smelling good. His favorite dinner is prepared. You have his favorite beverage chilling on ice and there are candles throughout the house. You have on one of his favorite outfits or pieces of lingerie. The look on his face will be priceless as he walks through the door. Give him a gentle kiss, tell him that you love him and lead him to the kitchen.

Over dinner just love on him with your words. Let him know how much you appreciate all that he does around the house, with the kids, at work, church etc. Let him know how strong, supportive, helpful and funny he is. Reminisce about things that you two did together that were fun or romantic over the years. Just laugh and keep the conversation light and care free. If you want you can treat him to his favorite dessert but it may not be necessary because you’re the desert for the night!

After dinner it will be time for a bath or shower and then a massage. Help him take off his clothes. Start with his shoes, socks and work your way up. Let him bath or shower alone. That is time for him to relax and for the anticipation to build of what’s to come next. If he insists however, of course, jump on in! The massage is the last thing before love making. Make the massage playful and sensual. The massage will be the foreplay before the main event! Once the massage is over, give him a playful strip tease and well you know the rest!!  Wives, I encourage you to be adventurous that night. Try new things with your hubby and be uninhibited. Your husband is your best friend. Don’t be embarrassed to be intimate and vulnerable with him. Let him teach you how to please him and you teach him how to please you. When we cater to our husbands, they in turn are excited to cater to us! Enjoy!!

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Confessions of A Technology Addict

In today’s society, technology rules the world. Majority of Americans have cell phones, computers, lab tops and other fancy devices. With Facebook, Twitter and many other social networking sites, we can remain in contact with one another. The ability to be in constant communication with the world can be a good and a bad thing.

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE my Blackberry. I use my phone for work, my writing projects and for leisure fun. My husband has a BB also and were both on them often, but I am on mine more than he is. Often when were watching a movie at home, he has to ask me to cut off my phone or give it to him because I continue to sneak peeks at it and send text messages. I am getting better at this because though it is not a big deal to me, I know it is a big deal to him.

My husband and I send each other instant messages throughout the day, just to say hi and keep each other in formed on whats going on with us. Technology is not a bad thing, everything just needs balance. I don’t talk to many people on the phone these days, only my 2 BFFs, my parents and grandma basically. Text messages are easy and quick but sometimes we need to make sure that we actually pick up the phone and check on each other. Lets try not to allow FB, text, instant messaging take the place of real interaction those that we love and care about.

We must make sure that we are not giving more attention to our phones, lab tops and other devices than to our loved ones. We must learn to set boundaries where at a certain time of day, we cut off the TV and put down the phones to talk or do activities as a family.

Cell phone challenge for all of us. I have been guilty of a few of these below and I am trying to do better. Lets try to put the following to practice to further develop our relationships with others.

1. Put your phone away during dinner time. Enjoy your meal and talk to your family about their day. Facebook can wait.

2. Don’t send text while people are talking to you. Even though text messages are quick, you don’t want to be in people’s faces texting while their talking.

3. Develop your friendships outside of Facebook and other social sites. 

4. Try not to be on your phone while your on a date or in the movies. You don’t want to annoy or neglect your date by being on your phone all night. If you do this, you may not get asked out on another date. If your married, your spouse may lose interest in going out with you frequently because you neglect them when your out.

5. Limit your phone time while your out with friends. You don’t want to be the lame person in the corner texting while at a party. Put the phone away and enjoy yourself.

Chocolate or Vanilla? Black Women and Interracial Dating

Have you ever dated outside of your race? Growing up, were you discouraged or encouraged to date men outside of your race? With the so called “shortage” of black men, do you feel pressure to look for dating opportunities outside of your race?

My thoughts on interracial dating is simple, I don’t care about the color of a man’s skin, as long as he has a true and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. At the end of the day, a man’s desire to love God, hear his voice, follow his leadership and love his girlfriend/wife with all of his heart is what is important. I do believe that many black women are afraid to date outside of their race for fear of what others may think of them. We have to break free from people pleasing and learn to follow God’s leading and leave everyone else’s desires for us behind. There is a whole world out there that we have yet to explore and many people we have yet to meet. Let’s not be closed minded or put God in a box.

Yes the stats prove that many of our black men are in jail or on the “down low” and many don’t have the college education that black women do BUT that does not mean that God can’t produce for you the man you desire. Psalm 37:4 tells us that God will grant us the desires of our hearts. If your desire is an educated black man who loves God, than God can do it. Don’t let the news or that statics tell you what you can and can’t have. As believers, we should always believe the report of the Lord. The news will tell you that you can’t have a baby past a certain age, you won’t be able to find a good man, in this economy you won’t be able to find a good job, etc. As Christian’s we don’t receive any of that! What God has for us is for us. Love comes in all packages. Don’t go looking for any type of guy, let him find you. When a good godly man comes along, no matter what race, take it slow and listen to the Holy Spirit on the inside of you.

SIlive.com posted an interesting article about black women being urged to date outside of their race. Below are some exerts from that article.

Single black women with college degrees outnumber single black men with college degrees almost 3 to 1 in major urban areas, according to a 2008 population survey by the U.S. Census Bureau. Given those numbers, any economist would advise them to start looking elsewhere.

“Consider your options,” she says. Expand your horizons. Stop listening to your girlfriends. Forget about the brothers calling you a sellout. Get over those old images of slavery and stop blaming every white man for sins perpetrated by others. ”

“In short,” Folan says, “some black women choose to demonize all white men rather than look objectively at the facts of our modern times, which are these: Some men, whatever their race, are bad for us. And the converse is true as well. Some men, whatever their race, are good for us.”

“I just want to keep encouraging all black women to celebrate themselves,” Folan says, “We are beautiful, resilient, strong, capable. We deserve men who will love us, no matter the skin color.”

Instead of listening to others’ admonitions about white men, Folan says, “maybe we can look at the content of his character.” And instead of assuming white men don’t find black women attractive, consider, for a moment, that some do.

http://www.silive.com/relationships/index.ssf/2010/03/black_women_urged_to_date_outside_their_race.html

Question: What are your thoughts on the article? What do you think about interracial dating and the so called shortage of black men?

Desperate Housewives: To Cheat Or Not To Cheat

I continue to get these stupid emails from Discreet Housewives Looking to Date. It’s an ignorant company that promotes infidelity. The fact that this company sends out emails to wives encouraging them to cheat on their spouses really makes me mad! Some lonely housewife who isn’t getting what she needs from her spouse will open the email and be tempted to further complicate her marriage by entertaining this foolish! We MUST guard our hearts and minds because the devil is busy and there are many traps out there.

If you are married and your husband is not meeting your needs, you should pray and ask the Holy Spirit about how and when to address your concerns with him. We can’t change our spouses, only Holy Spirit can! We as wives don’t have the right to step out on our husbands because they don’t pay us the attention that we want or give us the affection that we desire all of the time. Marriage is hard work and sometimes hard work includes long suffering. The bible speaks about long suffering.

2 Cor 6:6 By innocence and purity, knowledge and spiritual insight, longsuffering and patience, kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in unfeigned love;

 2 Timothy 4:2  Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.

The bible also has many scriptures on adultery. The main one you need to know is:

Exodus 20:14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Everyone has needs and as married people, we need to work hard to meet each other’s needs. We definitely shouldn’t look outside of the home to have our needs met. I know it is hard and discouraging when you continue to give more than you are getting. As godly wives however, we are to do everything to the glory of God. The bible doesn’t say ” do unto your husband what he does to you.” Keep being patient, prayerful and walking in long suffering. God sees you, he hears you, and he will answer your prayers.

If you are being abused (verbally, physically or mentally) or your mate is cheating on you, please seek help and godly counsel. I am speaking about ladies that are unhappy and bored with the current state of their marriage but are not in harm’s way.

Some tips to avoid adultery:

  1. Don’t have exclusive opposite sex friends.
  2. Don’t share your marital problems with male coworkers or friends. When you speak about what your husband is not doing for you, another man may hear you, see that your vulnerable and he may try to fly in and save the day. Your flesh will enjoy the attention that he gives you and you will set yourself up for failure.
  3. Get an accountability partner. Your accountability partner should be your spouse first and also a female prayer partner or spiritual mentor. If you feel tempted to engage in any form of ungodly behavior with another man, you can share with your husband so it’s not a secret and he’ll know how to pray for you. Also, speak to your mentor about what to do. If you keep your feelings a secret, you may mediate on them and eventually act on them. If you shed a light on the issue, the odds of it control you are slim.
  4. Guard your heart. Prov 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
  5. Put no confidence in the flesh Phil 3:2
  6. PRAY!!
  7. Encourage your spouse to go to counseling with you.
  8. Read marriage books together: His Needs Her Needs, Love and Respect, The 5 Love Languages, The Love Dare etc.

Remove The Mask and Break The Silence

Behind each human face is a hidden world that no one can see. We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within.The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid. Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture. -John O’Donohue

1 in 3 women have been raped. 1 in 4 girls have been sexually abused. With stats this high, it is clear that the many women and children are hurting. Many of us have gone through hurtful things at the hands of a man that we trusted, whether that is our father, brother, uncle, cousin, teacher, boss, boyfriend, neighbor or husband. Please know that what happened to you was not your fault. No matter how a woman dresses, where she goes, what she says or doesn’t say, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO VIOLATE HER. What you have the right to do now is to BREAK FREE!! Don’t waste another day walking around in silence and shame. PLEASE tell someone, a trusted friend, your parents, your pastor, counselor, social worker, your partner, someone. 

If you have been a victim of sexual abuse, incest, rape or attempted rape, I can’t express enough the importance of you seeking help and breaking free of the pain, shame, depression, fear, anger and many other emotions you may feel. The mask that you wear may protect you from those around you knowing, but it’s not healing your past pain, it’s actually killing you softly. I hid in silence and didn’t tell anyone about the rape for two years. Those two years were filled with confusion, anger, shame, low self esteem and fear. I wish that I knew then what I know now. I wish someone had educated me on what rape was and what to do if it ever happened to me. Back in 2000 I was ignorant to those things and therefore didn’t know how to protect myself or recover after the fact. My mission now is to educate, empower and encourage females in the areas of rape, abuse, relationships, sex and self esteem/worth.

Please, I urge you to break the silence today. Pray and ask God who you should disclose your past pain and experiences too. Research local counseling agencies or rape crisis centers or hotlines in your area. The first step is to admit to yourself that you’ve been abused, the second step is share the abuse with someone else that you trust and the third step is to decide on what type of support or treatment you need. Please don’t believe that the pain will just go away on it’s on over time. Time does not heal wounds, Jesus does! He already took our pain on the cross when He died on Calvary and rise from the dead for our sins. We don’t have to carry our own burdens! 

After I told my campus minister about the rape, she encouraged me to seek counseling, which I did right away. I was scared but I knew that I needed help, so I went. I did cancel my first appointment and then cried the whole way to my second appointment but I went! It was one of the best decisions that I had ever made!  My counselor encouraged me to tell my parents. When I told my parents I felt so much better. I was no longer alone, they knew, they still loved me, supported me and prayed over me. I can’t stress enough the importance of breaking the silence and seeking help and support. Trust me, it will be the best decision you have ever made. Email me at butgodbook@yahoo.com is you need assistance locating resources or a counselor in your area. 

  Psalm 55:22 (New International Version) 

 22 Cast your cares on the LORD
       and he will sustain you;
       he will never let the righteous fall. 

Psalm 147:3 (King James Version) 

 3He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

If you enjoyed this blog post, I encourage you to subscribe to receive emails regarding future post. The subscribe button is located at the top left corner of the blog. Once you enter your email and hit “sign me up,” you will have to open your email and confirm the subscription. Thank you in advance for your support. Also please email the blog link to other ladies https://joannawillis.wordpress.com