Four Slippery Steps to Adultery

No one’s marriage is above adultery. We are all flesh and no one is perfect. Each of us has to stay connected to Christ, stay focused on His word, remain holy in our thoughts/actions and accountable to our spouses and other brothers and sisters in the Lord. Many families are affected by adultery and it saddens me to see families broken apart because of sexual sin. Please read this article from Power of Change website. It’s a Christian site and I found the information to be very helpful.

Written by Ron and Nancy C. Anderson

Progressive choices that lead to destruction

At work, in our neighborhoods and during our daily activities we all encounter people of the opposite sex who are attractive.  That’s not the problem.  Our selfish choices after the attraction create the problem. Adultery has a progression and most people (even Christians) take these steps before they slide down the slippery slope.

I know, because I chose this path when I left my husband for a coworker named Jake. I know the lies I told myself, the selfish decisions that broke my husband’s heart and the sins I committed.  I also know the healing and restoration that took place when I confessed, broke off the affair, and found forgiveness from my husband and God. 

Although I have healed, there are scars that remain, even 25 years later, so I pray you will learn from my mistakes as you consider these progressive elements of adultery.

1. An Unguarded Mind

This is the “What if…” stage where your thoughts begin to grow unchecked. You find yourself asking questions like, “I wonder if he thinks I’m attractive? “, or thinking,  ”I hope she sits near me during the meeting”.

Perhaps you try to manipulate your schedule or activities to create more opportunities for contact. Nothing inappropriate has happened yet, but you think about the possibilities. If you allow this to continue, your emotions will grow, the fantasies will take root, and you’ll think about the other person in romantic or sexual situations.

Solution: If an inappropriate thought pops into your head, do NOT allow it to linger. Quickly remove yourself from any tempting situations. Don’t let your desires get out of hand. Refresh in your mind the things you enjoy about your spouse and your home life and determine not to take a sledgehammer to your marriage commitment. Ask for higher help.

2. An Unguarded Heart

This is the stage where your emotions run wild and you begin to lie to yourself. (In my case, I told myself I deserve to be happy.)  You may start to build emotional bonds with the other person by creating excuses to spend time together.  You may try to increase the positive contact and do things to please him or her. Example: If he mentions that he likes red, you may be tempted to wear a red dress or if she talks about a favorite flower, you may want to bring her one.

Solution: Seek help in getting control of your emotions. Consider the negative consequences if this flirtation continues: your spouse’s pain, loss of respect from children, friends, and relatives, and financial losses. You may need to confess your temptation to your spouse or a trusted friend who will hold you accountable because dark secrets have less power when you bring them into the light. Find a friend, counselor or a pastor who can help you seek God’s help. God planned marriage and He can help you restore yours.

Discuss this article on the blog How often do you think about your marriage?

3. An Unguarded Mouth

This step includes verbal flirtations and taking the relationship beyond theory into reality. Perhaps you begin by offering or responding to personal compliments such as, “You are the perfect match for me”, or  “When I’m with you, the rest of my life fades away”.

Knowing that compliments are like magnets, you begin to form an attraction and create a verbal intimacy that includes whispers, code words, pet names, and intimate secrets.  This can also include flirtatious or sensual/sexual email conversations and instant messages

The next verbal step is to talk about the “What if…”.  For example, “If I weren’t married, you’d be my soul mate” , or “I wish I’d met you before I got married”.  Jake and I used to play this fantasy game, “If we could run away together, where would we go?”

Then the negative words about your current mate begin:

“My husband treats me like a maid and never compliments me.”

“My wife just treats me like a paycheck and I’m not attracted to her anymore.”

“My wife/husband and I are just roommates and if it weren’t for the kids, I’d have left years ago.”

Solution: Focus on the good things in your marriage and try to compliment your mate at least once a day.  Be aware that any emails or IMs you send are not really private. If you would be ashamed to have your pastor or mother read it, don’t type it.  Concentrate on building up your marriage with your words instead.

Connect with your spouse through meaningful and encouraging conversation. Turn from the behavior that will destroy your home.

4. An Unguarded Body

This is the step where emotional adultery becomes physical.  Some people think that only intercourse defines adultery, but I strongly disagree.  If you have intimate, sensual contact with someone other than your spouse, it is a breach of your marriage vows. Ask yourself, “If my actions were photographed, would they condemn me?”.

I know how exciting the forbidden kiss is and how electrifying the stolen, passionate caress is but I also know how costly they are because I almost lost everything including my marriage.  I walked away from my relationship with Christ as I chose to follow my selfish heart into sin.  But I, like the prodigal son, came to my senses as I ran back to the Lord and He welcomed me home. Then I begged my husband’s forgiveness, broke off all contact with Jake, and rebuilt my marriage. Ron and I now help couples see that no marriage is beyond God’s ability to heal.

Solution: If you’ve already crossed the line, stop all contact with the other person, confess your actions as wrong behavior and ask for God’s forgiveness.

Determine to build into your marriage and into your spouse. Make a choice to turn your heart toward home.

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12 Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex

It’s really not difficult to ruin what could have been great sex. If that’s your goal, following these twelve suggestions will ensure that, over time, your spouse will become very creative in finding ways to avoid having sex with you.

Of course, we’re writing this article “tongue in cheek” to make a point. But we can assure you that these behaviors will detract from your sexual relationship with your partner. That’s because sexual feelings are vulnerable to being affected by so many other factors, such as self-esteem, expectations, criticism, emotional intimacy, and pressure.

Do these things to ruin your sex life

So here are the behaviors guaranteed to be “turn offs” to your spouse. In italics is the faulty reasoning that gets marriages into trouble. Below that, we’ve added a counterweight to the faulty reasoning.

  1. Develop a set routine for when you want to have sex–the same time and same place every week. “That way, you don’t have to wonder when you’ll have sex–Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. in the bedroom–just like clock work. No use leaving it to chance, right?” How boring. Try adding excitement by surprising your mate with something slightly new and different.
  2. Follow exactly the same “plays” and “moves” each time.
    “This way you both know what to expect each time. It’s just too much work to come up with different things to try, and after the honeymoon period, it’s not really necessary, is it?” Instead, remember a variation on the old saying that variety is the spice of life… and of sex.
  3. Drink a lot first so that you’re loosened up.
    “If your mate doesn’t like the smell or wishes you wouldn’t drink so much before sex, it’s just too bad. You can’t let your spouse tell you what to do, can you?” Consistent and excessive intoxication during sex is a big turn-off and could indicate deeper problems.
  4. Only touch your spouse when your goal is to have sex
    “Save your hugs, wet kisses, and holding hands until you’re ready to signal that you want sex. That way your partner will associate your touch with sex and know what to expect, get my drift? Cuts down on misunderstandings, doesn’t it?” Actually, the best sex can be the result of hours or even days of buildup with no obvious sign of sex on the horizon. During this time, any sign of affection – a touch, a hug, some compliments – can be powerful foreplay that builds to ignite passion.
  5. Expect your spouse to deliver the sexual goods because you’re married.
    “Your mate knows that every ‘good’ marriage partner owes sex to the other partner as part of his or her ‘duties.’ After all, isn’t this supposed to be one of the benefits of being married?” When sex becomes an obligation, it becomes as appealing as paying taxes. Instead, if your goal is to make the experience breathtaking for your partner, you’ll never have to invoke guilt or obligation to get sex.
  6. Push for sex even if your spouse seems reluctant and uninterested as long as he or she says “okay.”
    “If the verbal agreement is there, ignore the behavioral signals that indicate reluctance. If your spouse didn’t really want to have sex, he or she should have said so up front, right?” Pay close attention to your mate’s body language. That can be more revealing of true interest in sex than words alone. You’ll damage your relationship if you forge ahead when your partner only agrees just to get it over with.
  7. Skip foreplay and get to the major action immediately.
    “It takes too much time to bother with all that extra stuff. Besides, both of you have to go to work in the morning and need your sleep. You can’t afford to waste time.” The truth is, there is often a direct correlation to the amount of foreplay with the quality of the sex. The better the buildup, the better the payoff.
  8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
    “After all, you’re only trying to motivate your mate to be a better sexual partner. It’s not healthy to keep things in, so he or she will just have to listen to your critique.” You will get more satisfying performance out of your mate by praising what he or she does that you like, rather than the contrary.
  9. Criticize your spouse’s physical appearance.
    “If your partner has developed a beer belly or gotten flabby, you’re doing him or her a favor to say how much that turns you off. It’ll motivate your spouse to lose weight and shape up, which will help him or her in the long run.” The rule is: use positive strokes to motivate your partner. Negative criticism will poison your sex life.
  10. Answer your cell phone during sex.
    “You just never know; this call might be important. Anyway, what’s the big deal? It’s not like you’ll never have sex again. You’ve been having sex for years now, so why should your partner get upset with an occasional interruption?” Respect your partner with your undivided attention to get back the same. Minimize all distractions if possible.
  11. Get it over with as fast as possible as long as you’re satisfied.
    “Don’t ask your partner if there’s anything you can do for him or her. Just assume that everything’s okay unless your mate says something.” If satisfaction is not mutual, your sex life will suffer. The simple question a couple can ask each other — “How can I please you?” — works wonders.
  12. Jump up immediately and make your get-away afterwards.
    “The faster you get finished, the faster you’ll be able to get to sleep. There’s no time to waste just lying there talking. You can talk tomorrow over breakfast.” Emotional closeness is the currency of intimacy and you can achieve it by allowing each other to share honest feelings. Pillow talk after sex is one of the best times for this.

Written by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D.

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