The Woman I Could’ve Been

People handle trauma differently. Some people shut down and isolate themselves from the world. Some people become promiscuous, looking for love in all the way wrong places. Too many suffer in silence and the silence eventually costs them their relationships, peace and sanity. I thank God for the spiritual foundation my parents gave me, because I knew enough to know that I wanted more for my future besides the anger, bitterness, resentment and fear that I was harboring because of the rape. I knew God had more in store for me. I knew I wanted to get married one day and I wanted/needed to be free from the issues of the past. I actively participated in my counseling sessions and I did my homework assignments. I also kept a journal, wrote poetry, attended church, spent time in prayer and sought Godly counsel. I fought to get my life, my peace, my joy and my sense of security back. It’s only by the grace of God that I made it through. I don’t want to know where I would be without the Lord. He’s brought me too far and has been too good for me to be silent and not want to help others. It could’ve been me, BUT GOD. 

Survivors of sexual assault, incest, childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence find themselves faced with so many issues and emotions. The devil wants them to believe that they’re worthless, alone, ugly, dirty, stupid and at fault for the trauma that they’ve experienced. Because some believe the lies and don’t know how to fight to get better, they maybe subject to go through some of the things in this poem. I wrote the poem, The Woman I Could’ve Been, because its only by the grace of God that I made it through.

The Woman I Could’ve Been

4/12/10

It could’ve been me

So crushed by the rape

That my mind couldn’t escape

The turmoil and pain

To the point that it drove me insane

It could’ve been me

So drowned in my own sorrow

With no hope for tomorrow

Wanting to die

Everyday asking why

It could’ve been me

Pregnant with a “rape baby”

Finding myself questioning if maybe

Abortion was the only way to go

Questioning if my body language or clothes

Told him yes

Even though my mouth told him no

It could have been me

Being aggressively integrated on the stand

Being grilled and humiliated by some rude lawyer man

Who could care less if he was re-victimizing me

As long as he successfully got his guilty client free

It could’ve been me

Hopelessly struggling with low self-esteem and promiscuity

Giving myself to anyone and everyone who would have me

It could’ve been me

But God didn’t let that be

He saw my sorrow

He saw my pain

But He knew that I had so much more to gain

Than to lose

He put the choices in front of me

All I had to do was choose

To surrender my all

And let the anger, hurt and shameful walls fall

Or carry on in all my mess

Thankfully you know how the story ends

You don’t have to guess

It wasn’t an easy road

But I fought to be free

Thanks be to my almighty God

Because it could have been me

POST QUESTION:

Did the contents of this poem remind you of yourself or someone who you know?  If so, what can I do to help? Post a comment or email me at butgodbook@yahoo.com

Genesis 50:20

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

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8 Responses to “The Woman I Could’ve Been”

  1. Carol Says:

    It’s a great thing that you are doing with these blogs. They are really helpful, inspiring, educational and uplifting. Keep up the AWESOME work very happy and proud of you girl, keep livin your dreams!

  2. Delonna Says:

    I feel as though I could have wrote that myself . Thank God for his healing power.

  3. joannawillis Says:

    Thank you ladies for the encouragement and support! It means so much!! I thank God for my family and sisters in the Lord. God has blessed us so that we can be a blessing to others. Lets continue to walk in our purpose and STUMP on the devils head!!!

  4. charlotte easter Says:

    it was me pregnant with a rape baby, abortion was the decision i made. but God brought healing from the confusion, healing from the hurt. thank you for this poem, there are many of us out there and devil does bring accusation even 28 years later. BUT GOD, BUT GOD

    • joannawillis Says:

      Thank you for sharing your testimony Charlotte! And yes BUT GOD is right! We can not walk in shame and guilt from our past. We must repent and walk in His unfailing love and forgiveness. Im glad the poem was a blessing. I love being used by God!!

  5. A.Maree Says:

    This was definitely a great read..thanks for sharing!:)

  6. kingdompregnancy Says:

    Powerful-Powerful-Powerful!!! What an inspiration and motivation. There are MANY wonderful points within this blog. One exceptional point is when you said: “I fought to get my life, my peace, my joy and my sense of security back.” Though society conditions women NOT to fight, the bible lets us know that believers (men AND women) are in spiritual warfare, which requires a fight. Praise God for your Godly example that blesses many!


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