The Woman I Could’ve Been

People handle trauma differently. Some people shut down and isolate themselves from the world. Some people become promiscuous, looking for love in all the way wrong places. Too many suffer in silence and the silence eventually costs them their relationships, peace and sanity. I thank God for the spiritual foundation my parents gave me, because I knew enough to know that I wanted more for my future besides the anger, bitterness, resentment and fear that I was harboring because of the rape. I knew God had more in store for me. I knew I wanted to get married one day and I wanted/needed to be free from the issues of the past. I actively participated in my counseling sessions and I did my homework assignments. I also kept a journal, wrote poetry, attended church, spent time in prayer and sought Godly counsel. I fought to get my life, my peace, my joy and my sense of security back. It’s only by the grace of God that I made it through. I don’t want to know where I would be without the Lord. He’s brought me too far and has been too good for me to be silent and not want to help others. It could’ve been me, BUT GOD. 

Survivors of sexual assault, incest, childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence find themselves faced with so many issues and emotions. The devil wants them to believe that they’re worthless, alone, ugly, dirty, stupid and at fault for the trauma that they’ve experienced. Because some believe the lies and don’t know how to fight to get better, they maybe subject to go through some of the things in this poem. I wrote the poem, The Woman I Could’ve Been, because its only by the grace of God that I made it through.

The Woman I Could’ve Been

4/12/10

It could’ve been me

So crushed by the rape

That my mind couldn’t escape

The turmoil and pain

To the point that it drove me insane

It could’ve been me

So drowned in my own sorrow

With no hope for tomorrow

Wanting to die

Everyday asking why

It could’ve been me

Pregnant with a “rape baby”

Finding myself questioning if maybe

Abortion was the only way to go

Questioning if my body language or clothes

Told him yes

Even though my mouth told him no

It could have been me

Being aggressively integrated on the stand

Being grilled and humiliated by some rude lawyer man

Who could care less if he was re-victimizing me

As long as he successfully got his guilty client free

It could’ve been me

Hopelessly struggling with low self-esteem and promiscuity

Giving myself to anyone and everyone who would have me

It could’ve been me

But God didn’t let that be

He saw my sorrow

He saw my pain

But He knew that I had so much more to gain

Than to lose

He put the choices in front of me

All I had to do was choose

To surrender my all

And let the anger, hurt and shameful walls fall

Or carry on in all my mess

Thankfully you know how the story ends

You don’t have to guess

It wasn’t an easy road

But I fought to be free

Thanks be to my almighty God

Because it could have been me

POST QUESTION:

Did the contents of this poem remind you of yourself or someone who you know?  If so, what can I do to help? Post a comment or email me at butgodbook@yahoo.com

Genesis 50:20

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

If you enjoyed this blog post, I encourage you to subscribe to receive emails regarding future post. The subscribe button is located at the top left corner of the blog. Once you enter your email and hit “sign me up,” you will have to open your email and confirm the subscription. Thank you in advance for your support. Also please email the blog link to other ladies https://joannawillis.wordpress.com